Life is precious

I’m struggling to get motivated today. I’ve been up a couple of times this morning but currently laying in bed, grateful it is Saturday. My boob is so painful today. I feel like there is a band of durecel monkies marching around slamming their cymbals together, not in time! I can’t feel any lumps but it is too painful to touch too much. Does this dark cloud over me ever leave? I’m starting to have empathy for the Pink Panther!

I can’t really remember when I last updated you but these past few months have been challenging. My health is still no where near where it should be but I am loving being back at work. Some how for those few hours, once the children are in, I can switch off and just be me. Children are amazing, I don’t need to explain why I have to sit down for a moment, we make a joke about me having my fan on and moping my sweaty brow. For three hours I’m taken away from the pain and thoughts going around in my head. The people I work with are amazing. I don’t want to call them my colleagues, they are so much more. At times they are my sanctuary. I’ve never had so many conversations lately about bowel habits!

I saw a new doctor in the week. My good friend advised me to write a list. The surgery has a “one problem, one appointment” policy. My list was double sided but I gave it to her so she could choose what was most important. She was so lovely, she read it all and said she thinks it is a global problem, I don’t have 20 different problems, a lot can be put together. The pain with my back/hip can be dealt with at pain management – I’ll update later. She thinks I have an underlying condition which will tick lots of the list. I’ve made an appointment to see her next month to discuss that. This weeks appointment was to talk about gastro. Apparently blood in your stools for 7+ months, pain, bloating, incontinence etc is not really something to ignore. I’ve been referred for a colonoscopy and chasing up the scan. Obviously in my overactive mind, the cancer has come back. No one can tell me it hasn’t. The chances are it’s something minor but it’s the doctors that are getting me paranoid. When I had the head ct the first thing they said was there’s no cancer, I never thought there was but they’ve planted it in my head that they obviously thing it will be back.

My MRI of the spine showed a large bulge at T8/9 and one at L5 which is inpinching on S1 root. He was going to recommend a block to be put in. I’m due to see them again at the end of the month.

I am also having an EGM, think that’s what it’s called, in a couple of weeks. This one is from neuro to check nerve endings.

The family are all good. Well, from what I see of them. I get in from work and go to sleep, Rob wakes me for dinner, sometimes I get up, sometimes I stay in bed until the next morning. I am still in so much pain, on too much medication. I am not depressed but if this is my life, I do not want it. This is not a life. I will go to an appointment a day if I have to (feels like I do already), to make this better.

Life is too precious – today my beautiful friend is being laid to rest. She died suddenly at the beginning of the week. It just proves we do not know what is going on in anyone else’s life, mind. Even the most vocal do not share everything. Always be nice, I say it all the time, it costs nothing. If you have a spare couple of minutes, message that person you’ve been meaning to for days, months, years. You may just make their day.