On Thursday it will be three years since I was called back and told there was something looking very suspicious like cancer on my mammogram. Was another week before the biopsy results came back and I was told that tiny 13mm tumour was an aggressive grade 3 tumour.
Was three years ago Thursday that I was sucked up into that torpedo of hospital appointments, surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, weight gain, medications, pain and more pain.
Three years on and it still feels so raw. Even more so this year. Every time I get out the shower I am reminded, of my wonky boobs – the one which had surgery is in the right place, the other one is typical of a 47 year old – so I guess also in the right place! I know I am very lucky I kept my boob and my surgeon was amazing but there’s still a part of me missing.
Every time I look in the mirror I’m reminded of my cancer. Maybe my mirrors are magic and I can see inside too but I’m definitely not the same person. My hair reminds me, my body shape, the gap in my eyebrow which has never grown back. I do not feel as feminine anymore. I had hair extensions put in last month to see if that helped. Probably did for the first few days but then no. I feel like a flump and a fraud.
I am being told ‘look how far you’ve come’ which is very true but I wish I never had to ‘come’ at all. I know so many people have not survived this and I do feel very selfish when I feel like this. Every cancer is unique to that person, some may have the same size tumour and grades etc but all our cancers have our very own DNA so all different. We all cope and differently.
I am waiting for it to return. Not one person can tell me it 100% will not. Every twinge, pain, swelling I think is it back? The other month I got out the shower and noticed a dent in my breast. WTF? was my first thought. I saw my breast care nurse that week who said I needed a scan. I had a dent and my breast tissue was thickened – all the signs of breast cancer. 10 days later I had my scan and it was clear but the worry never goes away.
The kiddies are still a constant challenge. ADHD, Asperger’s and hormones just do not go together. I’m hoping, in time, all will calm down, just not in the foreseeable future.
On the plus side, since I last posted I have a new job (started in the new year) which I absolutely love. I miss my old colleagues but some of them have become life-long friends (whether they want it or not) but I am so lucky that my new colleagues are also now life-long friends. I do not feel it is a co-incidence that everywhere I work the people are so lovely, I’ve come to the conclusion it must be me – nice people attract nice people haha!
Mumbled on for long enough now. Don’t forget, check your breast regularly, in the shower, in the bath, in bed, sitting on the loo… Stroke them and play those breasts like a piano! Most of all, go with your instincts. Unfortunately for me, what saved me is now my biggest downfall. Sometimes your mind can go into overdrive!
Jo's Jubbly gets cancer 