Blog

Thought I’d better check-in. Apparently it’s been 14 days since my last post!

Today will be day 15 of my radiotherapy and my final ‘normal’ one. ‘End of treatment’ it says on the list of dates and times but then there’s another five dates and times. These ones are just a ‘boost’. Where the normal one radiates my whole breast, the following five just target the tumour area. These extras are given because of my age, positive blood vessels, grade of tumour and aggression (the cancer, not me). Apologies if I’ve already told you that – 14 days is equivalent to 14 years with a combination of menopause/chemo brain.

The radiotherapy was all going swimmingly, complete doddle until I got to last Thursday (session 11). Then the tiredness got up and gave me a Tyson punch! I feel drugged I’m so tired yet suffering from insomnia, ironically, which really doesn’t help. So tired yet can’t sleep – go figure!

My right tit, sorry breast, (don’t want you getting confused with any person who may come under this category), is very red. It is the sun burnt red and I am expecting it to turn brown any day. Sunday evening it started to become very painful and yesterday there is definitely swelling. I saw my oncologist yesterday who said this is all normal but has given me a different cream to use if it gets any worse.

He is still very concerned about my hip. I’ve got rheumatology in a couple of weeks. I said all is good as at least his side was clear but he said even though bone and ct scan were clear he’s very concerned and wants me to do more bloods and hopefully rheumatology will order an MRI – not sure why he didn’t, will ask next time. Putting it all to one side and just taking each day at a time.

I asked him when I should start with the Tamoxifen. Someone had told me the day before I should be on it by now. He said as my last chemo gave me added complications, my scare at Christmas and my hip he didn’t want any more things for me to cope with as the side effects are not that good. I can start now or wait until after. I think I’m going to wait until after we are back from holiday. I’m sure a few more weeks won’t hurt and will be nice to let my body have a rest from any more meds, especially that one as I’ll be on it for 10-15 years! Hopefully I’ll be one of the few lucky ones who doesn’t get the side effects.

I am still unable to walk or stand for very long. Was a bad day yesterday, I’m in so much pain. Getting in the shower looked like a scene from a Carry-on film! I am unable to use a stick to help me walk as my trigger thumb is coming back so hand too tender to put any pressure on it – and that would be a lot of pressure! I’ve had to remove my rings as fingers have swollen on both hands. I googled excercises for fat fingers but I’m not convinced!

My hair is growing back very quickly, I’ll be plaiting it by the end of the month – well not quite but I do have a very visual hair-line. Before it was unclear where my forehead stopped and hair-line started. Although I was happy with the head/hair merger, it is nice to see it coming back. It’s so fluffy I can’t stop stroking my head! Leg hair never left so I probably could plait them!

I still have amazing friends. I was told to be ready last Saturday at 11.30. I was picked up, blindfolded and taken to a secret location. Well there wasn’t a blindfold and the place not really secret as open to the public but I didn’t know where we were going and didn’t even realise it was there so sort of secret. I was taken out for afternoon tea by my two lovely friends. Left with a belly full of tea, cake and laughter!

Saturday evening was amazing too. Friend’s surprise 50th. An evening spent with old friends, more belly laughing. Was nice to see so many people but I still tend to hide in the corner whereas before I’d be up and mingling (doesn’t look like that’s how it’s spelt but there is an ‘l’ before some of you start!).

Best go get ready, we have our daily trip to hospital soon.  I worked out that in total  this radiotherapy alone is 1.120 miles altogether. That’s not including the day the road was closed and we went on a huge de-tour. This cancer malarkey is expensive!

 

Still here and very bored! Radiotherapy is now taking up my life. It’s only for four weeks so I shouldn’t really complain. I really should be making the most of feeling semi-normal (sorry that word always makes me giggle – very childish). I know as each session progresses the tiredness will get worse.

I started last Thursday. I felt fine, no nerves at all. Nothing will ever be as bad as chemotherapy. I have to get changed into a smock – I can leave my jeans and socks on. Not like the normal hospital gowns, these ones have poppers so they can easily pop your boob out with the most amount of dignity (I know some people who’d wear it on a night out!).

They walk me through to a room which is bigger than my front room. In the middle there’s this huge, white, monster machine with a bed sticking out like an enormous tongue! On the tongue there are the bright blue (my favourite colour) plastic bits stuck to it which I know are to put parts of my body.

There is a little gap between plastic bits  (well they are probably fibreglass). On the gap I put my bottom and swivel myself round. I slide my heels into the bit at the bottom of the bed, knees over the ramp, slowly lower my neck into the upside down horseshoe and my arms are placed in another one above my head.

The gap between my elbows is measured first. The poppers are in-done and my breasts comfortably flop under my armpits. The ladies then start drawing on my tattoos which they gave me the other week; it’s only another dot, they don’t draw pictures. They then start calling out numbers to each other. The arms of the monster machine circulate around me and they continue with numbers and throw in a ‘good coverage’.

The air raid siren goes off and they leave closing the six inch thick solid door behind them. The siren stops and the teeth on one of the arms of the monster start chattering. The machine rotates above me. Its three arms all having a different purpose. The arms with the square screens on the end are taking images and the one with the teeth is projecting radiation.

This whole process takes about 10/15 minutes then one of the ladies comes back and I’m free to go, once they’ve lowered the bed and got me up! I still have my cough which I’ve had since beginning of December. They told me if I have to cough not to put my hand over my mouth as I’ve been measured. The coughing wasn’t too bad it was my eyelash. I have about 8 left and one decides to float down onto my cheek. Do you know how uncomfortable a floating eyelash balancing on your cheek is?

Talking of hair, eyelashes still falling out (see above) but I have a head of fluff! Very thin fluff and depending on which light I’m in it’s either blonde (some may say grey) or brown.

We were very lucky to pop to Portugal at the weekend to see mother and little sister. Flights were only £12.99 each way so would have been rude not to go. As my hip is still really bad and I’m unable to walk very far we had wheelchair assistance. OMG to say I was impressed with the service is an understatement. I’ll just give you the highlights. Taken through fast track security, lift up to the plane and in the back door, lift down, wheeled to the front of passport queue and the same on the way back! Obviously I would prefer it if I could have walked and queued but very impressed! Portugal was good too, wasn’t all about the flight. Beautiful blue skies and good company.

Radiotherapy again today. The times are better now until the end but being in the middle of the day I don’t have time to do anything before or after. We have to give ourselves an hour to get there. Sill, 4 down, only 16 more to go. I’m making the most of not being too tired by catching up on all my telly recordings. I know the exhaustion will kick in next week.

Again I’ve gone on a bit but hopefully given you an insight to radiotherapy. Best go slap some cream over my breast (then wash it off before I go), this prevents me getting burned from the radiation  xx

 

I think that word nicely sums up this last week – fabulous.

Monday we met up with my dad and step-mum And exchanged presents. We had planned to do it the week before Christmas but obviously as I was in hospital we had to postpone. We went out for a lovely meal and all the kiddies behaved – result!

Tuesday was my planning meeting for my radiotherapy. This was at a different hospital, around 40/45 minutes away, depending on traffic.

I was given a list of my times that I’ll be going. It starts this Thursday and then every week day for four weeks. It did say ‘end of treatment’ after 15 days but apparently I’m having 15 ‘normal’ sessions on my whole breast tissue the I’m to have five ‘boosts’ just to zap the area where they removed the tumour.

They said I had to have a CT scan where they would take all my measurements. I didn’t hear anything else, I was just worried I had to have a canuela; thankfully not.

I was taken into the CT room and the bed looked like it had a medieval contraction on it, although in hard plastic! There was somewhere to put my feet, my knees and my neck. I had to hold my hands above my head (that was the worst bit- history of dodgy shoulders). This is the position I’m going to have to be in for every session. They took all their measurements and did my three ‘tattoos’, this is done by marking my skin with a marker pen then putting a needle through it – they are still there.

I then saw my oncologist after. Both my scans were clear which is amazing. It really is a huge relief and absolutely brilliant. Although it did show I have arthritis in my hip. I do feel I should be more excited but getting the all clear for cancer hasn’t stopped or even eased the pain in my hip or allowed me to walk again. I’ve been referred to rheumatology and should see the pain clinic soon (appointment they sent has been cancelled and I’m awaiting a new date – long story). I’m sure I’ll be celebrating very soon.

Wednesday after weeks of not really seeing anyone I had two lovely visitors. Rob picked up his new bike – he’s now signed up to do the London to Brighton bike ride so will be looking for sponsors very soon. He did want to do something for breast cancer but to me the Heart Foundation is close to my heart (no pun intended). The ride is 4 days before what would have been my grandson’s 9th birthday, so it felt right.

To celebrate the good news we were very lucky to have been given some money towards a holiday. We are off to Gran Canaria a few weeks after my radiotherapy. I did say we could use the money as a deposit for a family holiday in the summer but then we thought about it. These past few months have been such a strain on us as a couple. Will be nice to go away as husband and wife, rather than patient and carer. I am excited beyond words!

Friday I had more lovely visitors and Saturday I actually went shopping with my friend as she needed some boots. She pushed me in the wheelchair, couldn’t find any boots but I came home with a nice pair! To end the day I went to the pub and actually had a few ciders – back in the game!

The perfect end to the week was our Christmas dinner – missmass. Next time I arrange for our friends to come over I must check the football fixtures! Rob was supposed to cook but his team were on telly so all he did was cut the veg. I did struggle but was worth it. Great day of food and games with some of our favourite people.

I am still in so much pain with my leg but I’m hoping now we know what it is we can deal with it. Hot flushes regularly. I laid in bed last night thinking I hadn’t had a night sweat for a while. Woke up at 2am feeling like someone was standing over me with a water hose – slept on a towel for the rest of the night, the duvet was soaked. I don’t get the service at home like I did in hospital. I just had to buzz and they’d come and change my sheets – Rob doesn’t even flinch!

So I start radiotherapy on Thursday, will obviously keep you updated as to how that goes xxx

Sorry for not posting for a while, it’s been a hard few weeks. I’ve either not had the energy or it’s been too cold to have my arms out the bed to type!

Monday before Christmas I saw my consultant oncologist. I mentioned the pain in my vein in my arm but he wasn’t worried about that. He was overly concerned about my hip and calf pain. He wanted me to have a CT and bone scan, like yesterday. So they were ordered. He also said because of the aggression of my cancer, being stage 3, positive blood vessels and my age, I’m to have four weeks of radiotherapy rather than three. That’s every week day to Colchester.

The next day I wasn’t feeling too great so spent all day on the sofa. Number three child had an appointment at 5pm that I had to take him too, number five child had to be collected from a school trip at 5.30pm. We got home at 6pm. Rob went to get fish and chips and I went to bed. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right, I was turning down food!

At 8pm I asked for some cucumber and tomatoes so I could take my meds. Noticed I was a little hot. Temperature of 38.9, phoned on-call chemo nurse. Told off for not ringing sooner, pack overnight bag and ring 999! I got Rob to take me in, didn’t think I warranted an ambulance.

Long story short, straight in at the hospital. I had Neutropenic sepsis. When I went in my white blood count was 0.3 (normal range is 4.5-10). By Friday they put a red sign on my door – I was in isolation as my count had gone down to 0.1. I had zero immune system. I was spiking temperatures every night despite being on regular paracetamol, IV antibiotics, IV paracetamol and injections to increase my bone marrow.

On the Thursday evening some of my lovely work friends brought in a Christmas tree and tinsel and decorated my room. Friday another load of them came with fairy lights and more decs! Every nurse/doctor who came into my room commented on how lovely it was.

I was in hospital for Christmas. Rob came in for a couple of hours but I sent him home as I was too poorly. I was finally discharged Friday 30th but back in New Year’s Eve and allowed home New Year’s Day with open access to the medical team if I needed it.

Monday 2nd I had my CT scan and the next day my bone scan. They are fasting the results through and I’m due to get them next week.

On Tuesday I have my radiotherapy planning meeting in Colchester and will see my oncologist then too.

Im glad to be home. On the Friday I was discharged the kiddies finally opened their Christmas pressies. This week I am struggling with my leg. The pain is unbearable. I can walk from the front room to the kitchen but then sob as the pain it too bad so I have to sit down, which tends to ease it a bit.

Yesterday we took the youngest to the toy shop as she had Christmas money burning a hole in her purse. We parked right outside, I walked down one aisle with her then I was sobbing in pain. Rob had to nearly carry me back to the car. I was so upset that I couldn’t even shop with her. I can’t help thinking is this my life now? Am I not going to be able to leave the house without a wheelchair? Should I phone occupational health and get them round for recommendations to adapt our house? I’m not ready yet to what I see is admit defeat but am I delaying the enviable?

This is so hard on all of us, especially Rob. I can’t even make him a cup of tea or cook the dinner as I can’t stand. It’s a horrible feeling – feeling useless. I hope something shows up on the scans which can be treated and this is only temporary. As this is like living in hell!

On the positive side, I lost 8lbs over Christmas 😊

That is the appropriate word to describe you people. My friends are just amazing. It is hard to watch someone you care about go through this and seeing them in constant pain but your courage you all show around me is commendable. You don’t let me see your tears (well most of you), you stay strong when I know you are hurting to and I wanted to acknowledge and tell you that you mean so much.

Every little ‘like’, text, card, message, flowers, gifts, cake, videos (don’t stop sending them, you know who you are), photos etc the list goes on, they mean so much to me. My friends at work are incredible. Their timing always seems to be impeccable.

The other day number three child had an appointment. I was all excited I was going into town. I thought we could go a bit earlier and I could have a look round some shops, feel the Christmas atmosphere that I’ve been craving. My leg wasn’t working so Rob had to push me in the wheelchair. He may have all these licenses and can drive a HGV etc but wheelchair driver, he shouldn’t add that to his CV just yet. He pushes me in and just leaves me in the middle of the aisle. Not even touching distance to any shelves then proceeds to point out things that are behind me!

We left that shop pretty quick, empty handed. I really wanted some selection boxes, could I find any? No. A few shops later I’d given up and after child’s appointment went home deflated, exhausted and with empty shopping bags. Anyone who knows me knows this is unheard of!

We get home and sitting in the post box was a little package. A card from work with little messages of support, congratulating me on finishing my last chemo and a little bag of happiness which consisted of tiny gifts – a marble for when I lose mine, a plaster to heal when I’m hurt, a love heart so I know someone loves me and so much more. They are the most thoughtful people ever and I am humbled to have them as my friends.

I have struggled this week. My leg is causing me severe pain. I am very miserable although I’m trying not to be. I find it hard seeing everyone’s pictures on Facebook during ‘the most wonderful time of the year’. I also love seeing them and would never begrudge anyone enjoying themselves. I also know after the picture of the smiley happy people at Winter Wonderland, we don’t see the children crying as they are cold. We don’t see the food being sent back as it was rubbish, the sickness from drinking too much, the hangovers etc. I know it’s hard for everyone. I was sad I’d miss my works do, I’m usually the life and soul of the party, this is my time of year!

Friday I popped into see my class with some sweets (shh don’t tell anyone). I’d had a really bad night Thursday, my leg was agony and I hardly slept. As it was Christmas jumper day and the kiddies Christmas dinner I’d decided to wear my Christmas Ruldolph dress. I shuffled into school (my new walk), all the staff were wearing their dresses! The look on the kiddies’ faces I was so pleased I’d made the effort too.

I was only there 20 minutes and I felt done in. Just as we left we were asked if we wanted to go along that evening. Even if we just had dinner and left. Have I mentioned before how wonderful the people are I work with? I was in pain but thought I could stay at home in pain or I could go out and sit with some lovely people in pain. No brainier.

I got dressed up and put some make up on. It was like a little weight had been lifted. I didn’t drink and would have been impossible to dance but just being in their company was enough. We only stayed two hours but it was worth every minute!

I have actually been in agony ever since but I may have been like this anyway even if I didn’t go. My leg is bad but it’s also my vein where the last lot of chemo went in. There’s a bruise where they attempted to go in and another one where they went in, which is normal but it’s further up that hurts so much. I have an appointment to see my oncologist tomorrow so I will mention it then. Hopefully I will find out the plan re radiotherapy tomorrow too.

Although I’m not sleeping and feel I’m wide awake the majority of the night I seem to wake myself up snoring! So nan I apologise and I now understand completely when you said you were watching the telly and snorting – to be fair you did know everything that happened.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but my vocabulary has got increasingly worse over the passed few weeks. I am really muddling up my sentences and I think I talk as if I’m drunk. I do feel like I am permanently drunk without the giggles and silliness, maybe it’s permanently hungover. Still I think I’ve got away lightly compared to some.

I keep asking Rob for a chain saw to cut off my leg. Although the pain is in my hip too so would probably need a jigsaw to get it all and I would end up with wonky buttocks!

I keep saying I want things to go back to as they were. There will never again be life before cancer as I’ve now had it but, I will have a life after cancer. I’m not going to let this rule me anymore – well that’s my feeling tonight, I’ll probably have a few little meltdowns and say the opposite but I know it’s in there somewhere!

Just a little update as so many of you keep asking. Not much to report. Struggling with my head. It feels like it has been replaced with a nail bomb waiting to detonate. Think the tightness and pressure will give me instant relief when it does!

I am absolutely exhausted. Not having one painfree day since the last cycle the exhaustion is just building up. Not having one night of undisturbed sleep since getting my recall letter in August probably isn’t helping with that either!

Steriods are doing their job, sugar levels sky high and peeing every 45 minutes 24 hours a day. Down to just one a day now so hopefully that will stop soon.

Little one enjoyed her birthday at the weekend. She came back from her dad’s in good spirits and looking through her new phone she seems to have mastered the ‘selfie’! Every year her birthday has suffered. Being born 14 weeks early she’s always been poorly this time of year. One year she was well but I was in hospital with pneumonia. Most years her party has had to be postponed or cancelled due to illness. This year luckily Dad stood in and took her and her friends out. Next year, I’m going to make sure she has a big one.

She has been amazing through all this, never asked for anything. If I can take just one positive through this is it will be her attitude and resilience. When we were at the panto the other week every time they mentioned a beautiful lady she was hug my arm and whisper ‘they aren’t as beautiful as you’. She really melts my heart.

I have number four child off as she’s really not well, something is seriously wrong – her words not mine, mine are ‘you have a cold’ but I’m too weak to argue.

Rob went to work at 4am, so I’ve been wide awake since then, lucky really as who would have been up to clean the cat sick up?! Kept thinking one of those nails would fall out into it!

Im on a mission to book a holiday next summer. Last Easter I had a hysterectomy then last August I had my gallbladder removed. This year was going to be our summer. We booked to visit mum in Portugal but the timings were all wrong. She got the keys to her new house a few hours before we arrived, no electricity for four days then my recall letter from the hospital. Breast cancer has taken up every day since.

In September Rob put his holiday in for next August. We desperately need some family time away. November he got the form back declined as there are too many people off. I’m so upset. The children are school ages and I work in a school so only have school holidays off. I’ve started looking at going somewhere just me and the kiddies, maybe France so I can drive, flights are too expensive but now I’m not sure I’m actually going to be that brave!

I had a lovely visitor yesterday and all I did is moan but I tried to smile a few times, just think my face would split if I kept it up!

Hope you’re all having a good week and I will put a positive post up soon but having this is very lonely at times xxx

Last chemo completed yesterday but I’m not going to start celebrating just yet. We’ve made it to the top but it’s still a long way down. There’s no helicopter to collect me, no lift to call. I just need to turn round and go down carefully and slowly; one false move …

I am in the care of the chemo unit for the next four weeks then it takes at least six months to recover from chemotherapy, some people longer. I’ve written this on here for my benefit, when I’m frustrated and moaning that I can’t walk that marathon (I’ve not been able to run since I left school), please remind me of this!

I had a lovely few days with my sister and nephew. Unfortunately I wasn’t up to popping into school to watch my class practice their Christmas production on Thursday. Maybe if I’m up to it I can see the real thing. Thursday evening we all went out to celebrate number two and number five’s birthday. We don’t all get together often but was  perfect.

Yesterday was everything I expected it to be! We got to the unit early as I need my pre-meds. I rested my tea on my arm to bring those veins up – didn’t work. Another bucket of what seemed like boiling water – didn’t work although left my arm a nice shade of baby pink. She tried to put the canuela in my hand which seemed successful but hurt so much she had to take it out leaving a nice bruised bump! She used the infra-red machine thing to show up my veins and managed to get one one.

The oncologist told me off for not phoning in the week. I’d had a fever for a few nights on a trot. My book says take temperature and hour later and if not come down ring. It had come down but apparently that doesn’t include diabetes. My psychic powers seem to have gone after finding this cancer! She also said I need to get this nerve damage investigated. I was referred to the pain clinic in the week so that’s a start.

We left the unit 4.5 hours after arriving. Hopefully never to return – that’s no reference to the staff as they were all amazing.

I left rubbish straight away so straight home to bed. Kiddies were picked up my daddy. Four hours later text from ex saying he’s bringing one home as he can’t deal with him. Problems I’m not going into on here as not fair. He’s still here (child not ex). Only mentioning as life goes on, just because I’m going through this doesn’t mean everyone else’s problems stop. Yes I could definitely have done without that last night but there will always be six people who will come before me.

Before bed I apologised to Rob in case I turn into a horrible monster over the next few days and he’s not to take it personally. We’ve know from previous cycles that diabetes and steroids do not mix. He just needs to keep me fed and supply me with insulin!

Last night consisted of wet patches (the wrong kind), no sleep (the wrong reasons) and hourly wee trips! I had my usually hourly wee trips although this time I was woken up looking like I’d just done the celebrity cyclone! I was actually glad not to have any hair! I was boiling and sweating from places I didn’t even know sweated yet my body was as cold as marble. I eventually laid a towel down. Every time I stood up my body would fall back down. Soon as I fell asleep the pain in my leg would wake me. I know what’s on all your minds but no it was fine, Rob slept like a baby and wasn’t disturbed once!

This morning my head is feeling very tight, a day resting I think. Rob’s made me a cup of tea but I think he’s forgotten I’m on steroids and I need feeding. That koi on his arm is starting to look very edible!

I hope you all have a good weekend and sending love to you all. Not an easy time of year for everyone xx

 

I can’t actually remember what I did Thursday so if you did visit me I apologise!

Friday I remember very well. It was the day of the cricket club awards. I was in agony in the morning. Screaming and sobbing as my leg hurt so much. My face looked awful. I’d woken up with a bright red, angry looking rash over most of it. I told Rob I wasn’t doing anyone. I’d prefer not to be here than living in so much pain. Also told him he should leave me as I’m horrible and ugly, I feel I look like a freak. Obviously he told me to be quiet, I’ve got to have my chemo and he’s not going anywhere! That was the end of that conversation!

I pretty much spent the rest of the day crying. Then I had a wonderful lady come over. A few weeks ago my friend shared on Facebook a video about a makeup artist who went round to cancer patients to do their makeup to make them feel better about themselves. I’d commented on this and said I was either booked in or had done the look good feel better workshop (memory is terrible). To cut a long story short; this lady is friends with my friend, had seen our conversation and offered to do my makeup if ever I wanted her to.

She was amazing, such a lovely lady who made me feel and look normal. Gave me the confidence to go out that evening.  Such a nice thing to do and I can’t thank her enough.

So I could no longer cry Friday as I didn’t want to smudge my make up!  We went out and even though I was sat down all evening, I was shattered! Was so lovely to see our friends and I kept the tears to a minimum!

I had a few people ask me what happens during chemo. As I started to explain I could feel my tummy tighten and the sickness rising through my body until it sits at the back of my thoat. Knowing I’ve got to do it all again on Friday really does fill me with dread.

Saturday my youngest was singing up the town for the Christmas lights switch on. My leg wasn’t co-operating so Rob wheeled me up there. The majority of people are very considerate when they see a wheelchair but there are a few who just stand straight in front blocking any kind of view I had!

She did very well, they all did. As the pop up stage was in front of the pub and youngest went home with her dad we then spent the rest of the afternoon in the pub. Not that much fun when you’re in pain nor drinking but it’s not always about me. Rob enjoyed himself haha. My eldest popped in too which was lovely as I hadn’t seen her for a few months as she’s always working!

Sunday I was shattered. How can you have a hangover when you wasn’t drinking?! Lazy day followed by trip to panto with my friend and the kiddies.

Yesterday Rob wheeled me round the garden centre and then up town. I was looking for a polar bear. Can always see them when I’m not able to get one but could I find one yesterday? No.

Last night number two daughter and her boyfriend cane round for dinner and we had some house guests arrive who are here until tomorrow.

My leg is still the same so won’t go on about it. I tried to phone the dr yesterday as I need a referral to the pain clinic. I couldn’t get through so will ring tomorrow (have an appointment with number three child so can’t go today).

The very few hairs I have left are being problematic. My legs feel like they have thorns growing out of them. My eyes are still very weepy (even without me crying) and blurry. My eyebrows now have lots of bald spots which I pointed out to Rob at the weekend. He said they looked fine, which they did as I’d coloured them in!

Kiddies are all good. I’m trying to keep up with the washing. Successfully achieved it, walked upstairs – it’s full! I don’t remember number 4 child wearing her bikini lately; apparently she’s just got round to emptying her suitcase from when she went to Spain in August! I’ve heard it all now!

Signing off on a positive note – our tree is up and it looks beautiful xx

I’d love to report that things have improved significantly since Saturday but unfortunately not. Except my eyes, they have. I’ve got my glasses so I can read again! Just need to stop them watering for me to focus.

It isn’t just from me still being so tearful, my eyes are quite sore – I’ve read, part of chemo.

Saturday we had a surprise 50th meal to go to (I can write about it now). Sadly I wasn’t well enough to go. I was so disappointed as it had been arranged for so long and I really wanted to see everyone. We’ve probably got off lightly as that’s the first event I’ve not been able to go to that I thought I would have been ok.

Although, I shouldn’t say too much more out loud. We have the cricket dinner and dance tomorrow night and if I have to give an answer right now, Rob will be going on his own to that one too.

My leg is still causing me so much pain. The mornings are definitely the worst. When I’m in bed I am in pain, it wakes me constantly during the night. I manage to get to my bedroom door before all the little pain drones in my leg have woken up and realise I’m on the move. I’ve tears in my eyes by the time I’ve reached the stairs. When I make it to the kitchen I’m now screaming, clinging onto the worktop and have tears filling the washing up bowl. This lasts about 15 minutes and is every single day.

The pain does seem to ease a bit as the day goes on until about 8pm when it starts to get bad again. The worst thing is because it’s nerve damage, it is ongoing. No one can say only another week or month, we just don’t know how long it will be here for. It is horrible.

It has really put a strain on me both mentally and physically. Every morning is spent crying. The pain is deliberating. It really is worse than labour. I feel my body is giving up on me and there’s been times these past few days where I’d quite happily just let it. I could easily give up.

I’ve made a mental note not to tell Rob how I’m feeling during Match of the Day – not sure he even remembers the one sided conversation!

Tuesday I sat down and managed to wrap all the presents which have arrived so far. I was shattered after but it felt good. I have chemo again next week so that’s me going to be out of action for a while. I need to know it’s all done before next Friday. I don’t want the kiddies missing out on anything because of this. It’s taken enough from us, it’s not having Christmas too!

Yesterday I had some lovely visitors. My lovely friend came with lunch (and cake) It was so nice just lounging on the sofa chatting. Was a really relaxing day. I could feel my face tightening with tiredness as the afternoon went on. Who knew doing nothing is so exhausting!

Last night another two turned up (carrier bag full of cake). I was exhausted and tearful but just seeing them perked me up so much. Our fish and chips was delicious too, always a bonus!

Apart from the pain in my leg and being abnormally tired I don’t think this cycle was too bad. My head is a little sore still. My tongue is uncomfortable and mouth is still sore. I can’t wait for my taste buds to return to normal. Today I have the measle look back. Think it was around this day last time too. My nose is painful as well, never take for granted your nasal hair people! Eyebrows have started thinning too!

It is just gone 9 and the phone has rung twice already, once being the school. Think it’s going to be a long day! I had best make the painful long journey downstairs for breakfast, I’m wasting away up here!

Think that’s the best word to describe this week. I’m still in so much pain with my leg. I rang the chemo unit Tuesday morning who didn’t think they could link it to the chemo – bit odd as after talking to a few people it’s really common. I went to the dr who thought I’ve a trapped nerve. She gave me some painkillers.

Thursday I was in absolute agony so back to dr. Sent me straight to hospital with suspected DVT. Short version, blood marker raised for clot, back Friday for scan. No clot thankfully. Nerve problems and been given meds which will hopefully work in 3 weeks!

Today is Saturday and I’m bed-bound. The pain is excruciating and I’m very tearful. Soon as I move it feels like I’m being stabbed in my calf and my hip goes. Walking is very difficult and I seem to end up stationary and making noises I’ve not heard before. This really is hard.

If it wasn’t for my leg I don’t think this cycle was as bad apart from being very tired but then I’m not sleeping. Thursday night I got up up 1am. It took me half an hour to get downstairs, just sat sobbing trying not to wake anyone – I managed to do that at 3am!

My head is a bit temperamental at the moment too. I’m nearly completely bald but the few hairs I have are painful. Also have little people playing space invaders inside.

This is really putting a strain on everything. Rob is fantastic but I am horrible. Side effects of chemo, menopause and high sugars – mood swings. He doesn’t stand a chance. I’m trying so hard but then I get possessed. Haven’t a clue where it comes from, I even look round to see who said it!

I know we will be ok but it is so hard. I keep saying it, Rob and the children need more support than me but not all getting it. I feel useless that I can’t protect the ones I love from all this. Rob looks tired, I’ve aged 40 years, kiddies getting more stroppy, the strain is really showing. No one should have to go through this.

Kiddies getting excited about Christmas. I’ve done some online shopping which I usually prefer but missing the Christmas atmosphere. I only want a few little bits, think it’s more that it’s been taken out of my control. Horrible not being able to physically do anything.

I always put my tree up the first weekend of December. If my legs aren’t working by next weekend I might just write to John Lewis and see if they can spare their window dresser to do mine!

What do you give someone with limited mobility and in excruciating pain? An upset tummy! 😢😢 I’ve been lucky to get this far without it I guess, think of the weight loss!

Apologies for being miserable. Even with the Christmas songs on I’m quite tearful today. My next posting will be more positive I’m sure