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So yesterday morning started out a bit rubbish but I managed to turn it around. Put some make up on and pushed the wheelchair down to the rec to watch the second half of the football. Only took it as my legs do get a bit wobbly and there’s no where to sit there. It was a beautiful afternoon and I thoroughly enjoyed being out in the crisp air.

Rob pushed me up town where he had a few beers with the football boys, I had four pints of soda! Stopped for one more on way home and ordered a Chinese.

Was so nice being out, seeing some of my wonderful friends and meeting lovely new people too. Rob pushing me home after a few pints wasn’t something we will be doing again until I go over the green cross code with him!

Sugars registering ‘hi’ before bed so they were over 33. Lots of extra insulin. 19.7 this morning. I’ve been doubling up all day and just now before dinner they are 24.7 so another double dose needed.

I didn’t get much sleep. The steroids have a habit of keeping you wide awake along with the toilet trips. Every time I got up my leg gave way a little bit more. My oncologist always asks me how my legs have been, apart from wobbly I’ve not experienced it.

It’s only my left leg. It feels like my veins are pumping through ice-cold blood. My muscles ache so much and you can actually see it pulsating around my calf. It hurts from my foot up to my hip. I asked Rob to rub some moisturiser on it earlier. He did but he’s obviously used to just rubbing in deep heat rather than massaging! My lovely friend who is also going through chemo said this happens to her too (the pain not husband’s lack of massaging skills – not asked her that) and it usually lasts a few days.

Been feeling quite sick today too. Although my eyes are heavy my head doesn’t seem to be that bad so that is good. Had a little accident which I probably shouldn’t really mention, just glad Rob was at Tesco at the time and puddle cleaned up 😳 I had been warned by someone before chemo that it could happen and I promised to share all with you! Haha

Rob has done four loads of washing today and the roast cooking smells delicious. He will then do the ironing after he’s cleared up, so credit where credit is due, well done that man.

Hoping for a better night and less pulsating! Hope you’ve all had a wonderful weekend xx

It’s been a pretty emotional week consisting of highs and lows. I’ve had some beautiful visitors which was lovely. I’ve also had lots of tears. I don’t know if it was because Rob was back at work or because Friday was approaching too quick. I told him Wednesday I wasn’t going to go Friday, I couldn’t do anymore and he just replied ‘yes you are, we will talk about it when I’m home’ and that was the end of that.

Wednesday the little one came home from school happy she’d been taken out of class to spend time with another teacher. She’d put a couple of notes in the ‘worry box’ saying she was sad about me. Thursday she came home again very excited that she saw her again and now has a folder. I asked her what they spoke about and she just replied ‘you’. She’s being so strong around me and I’m very grateful for the school to allow her to have this counselling. We watched DIY SOS the other night, it was about young carers. We were laying having a cuddle and she said ‘I’m a young carer as I help look after you’. Swells my heart how proud I am of my children.

Yesterday I felt sick as soon as I walked into the unit. I think it must be the lights. Usual cuppa balancing on my arm to bring those veins up. I’d drunk over 3 litres Thursday as that’s supposed to help too. As usual we saw the oncologist first. I asked that I’d noticed lots of people have scans and she replied that my type of cancer was just isolated in my breast and for as long as I’m on treatment it won’t go anywhere else. She’s making me an appointment with my consultant to discuss the radiotherapy and survival rates etc.

I then went through, didn’t get a window seat but had my back to it. Arm in bucket of hot water. They tried one vein but didn’t work. Couldn’t find another so got this handheld thing that has a red light which shows up the veins. After a bit of wiggling they got in.

This time I started feeling like rubbish before I’d even left the unit. We left four hours after arriving and I went straight to bed for an hour.

Sugar levels before dinner were 29.8 so I took double my dose. Before bed were 29.7 so took an extra 30 units and doubled my slow acting. 6 injections yesterday and I’ve got a feeling today will be more plus ketones monitoring. Gotta love the steroids.

I didn’t really get much sleep. My body was as cold as marble yet I couldn’t have the duvet on me as inside there was a raging inferno. Only 12 trips to the toilet too! I’m thinking today will be mainly horizontal. Head is heavy and spinning already.

Thank you for all your messages, it’s very comforting to know you’re all still with me on this. Have a good weekend, the sun is shining xx

I think that pretty much describes today. We went to get my PICC line inserted this morning. The sister explained everything, signed consent forms then I was put in a gown and laid on the bed. It felt like a water bed, I’m assuming it was so comfy as the PICC department have a bed on ICU, not because they need to be it’s just where they ended up four years ago and now have squatters’ rights!

The first thing they did was scan my veins. Instantly she could see a problem. She was showing us the vein that she’d usually use had thrombosed. We were nodding and agreeing but the screen just looked like I was looking under a merky sea. She couldn’t use this one but said there was another she could look for. She found this one but it was pretty much attaching itself to the artery. She said she would try as my veins were not looking good at all.

Local given and she went on with the needle. Didn’t really hurt but could feel a bit of prodding. Once the needle was in she had to thread a wire through the vein – I think the catheter then goes inside the wire. She started tutting and had to remove the wire. You could see when it was out that about an inch on the end had gone a bit wobbly where it was getting stuck. Was also feeling a bit painful. I was getting the odd shooting pain down my arm where it caught the nerve. Apparently I shouldn’t have been brace and needed to tell her when this happened!

She said she’d try again as the vein was showing a bit clearer. The wire managed to get as far up as my shoulder before it caught on something and had to be removed. Apparently only 2/3 people a year have to have it aborted. I am very special.

All is not over as she booked me in to have it done next week. That time it will be done by a consultant radiographer and in theatre. He will inject a dye to show up my veins and hopefully that will work. She was so lovely and apologetic but it’s just one of those things.

Once home I was feeling a bit deflated. I have chemo again on Friday so we were back to struggling to find a vein. The sister said she was going to let the unit and my oncologist know what has happened this morning and suggest they get an anesthetist to cannulate me. I went to bed feeling sorry for myself.

I was woken by the phone ringing. There had been a cancellation for the morning and could I go. Yes! It would be done before Friday! Rob phoned worked to let them know he’d only be in a few hours. I was so relieved but was short lived. An hour later the phone rang. The consultant had been sent home with d and v. Tomorrow was cancelled.

Although I’m very disappointed and feeling sick about Friday, they also had to cancel nine ladies who were booked in for their wire incision before their breast surgery tomorrow. It will be worse for them and I’m still booked on for next week.

Yesterday I finally went back to the opticians. After last time (which I’m not going to dwell on again) I’ve been putting it off but by eyes are terrible and I miss not reading. Yes I need glasses for reading. He also showed me the bleeds at the back of my eyes so really need to stabilise sugars as the bleed by my right eye is by my central vision.

Trying to choose  glasses was a nightmare. Looking at myself in the mirror with different glasses on when I hate the way I look and do not recognise myself was not ideal. I just chose anything.

Not much to report today but at least you all know now how a PICC line is sort of inserted!

No I’m not going to start chatting about a tub of chocolates, although I’d love to but that’s one thing I can’t eat as it tastes vile – some may say the worst side effect ever!

Friday was our 5th wedding anniversary. I woke up with a very round, bald head and looking like I had measles! My pillow that morning looked like the cat had slept on it. I did seem to lose a lot of hair during Thursday night. My face looked so angry. It hasn’t really bothered me losing my hair so much but for some reason it did Friday. I was really tearful, I just looked horrible. I rang my sister and sent her a photo of me looking like a spotty cone head. She replied ‘at least your eyebrows are in tact’. She is right, I’m lucky they still are, little bit thinner but still there. Think it’s because even though my hair was falling out, it was really patchy so you could still see the darkness but now it’s just skinny colour.

My dentist commented on my headscarf the other day. I had to wear it and it had to be plain as I had a busy top on and with my head being so patchy it would just look too much. Bit like wearing a patterned top and a different pattern on your trousers!

Whilst at the dentist I thought I’d better book the children in for their check up. She had a cancellation and we went back that afternoon. Two were good but one of them – goodness me, I’m expecting a call from Jeremy Kylie’s research team booking her in for when she’s 16! Thought she had a perfect set of teeth, which she does except there are two missing which have grown in the complexly wrong place! Trip to orthodontist is required. Think we will be going for a while. I felt awful not noticing but they are so high up in her gum, unless she’d shown me I wouldn’t have known.

Friday night I went out, out. Started layering up the foundation about lunch time to make sure I covered all the red patches and spots! I even wore my wig (for some of the night then I got too hot so it went in my bag). A trowelled on my makeup and actually left the house feeling good and looking like a ‘normal’ person.

Thats where it stopped, we have a few steps outside, I got to the bottom and stacked it! Had to put on a brace face as I had the little one with me. Turned up for the pre-lash with a sore shoulder and finger a muddy stain on my trousers and knee. Think I was lucky!

An evening with my crazy, beautiful work friends. I knew I had missed them but, I’ve got tears in my eyes just thinking about them. I’ve said it before, I do adore them. I left the evening just after 10, I did well.

Going to bed that night I asked Rob if he thinks we will make the next 5 years (we hardly disagree or argue, he is my friend, my rock, my everything. Of course we will). He replied ‘yes, unless you die on me!’

Hes not said anything like that before, I guess it shows that it’s in his mind too. I’ve been thinking a lot about statistics lately. Someone had mentioned it on a forum but, at the end of the day they are only statistics and we are all individuals. Until they break them down and tailor them to our uniqueness, I’m not going to pay much attention.

Today is Sunday which means only 5 more sleeps until my next chemo. The thought physically makes me feel sick. I just start feeling great then, bang, it’s here again like an unwelcome punch in the face! I’m having my PICC line out in Tuesday which should ease the anxiety when I get there Friday with finding a vein. I always knew it was on the 15th but thought that was Wednesday until Rob just pointed it out on the calendar. So that is a day earlier than I’d psyched myself for.

I apologise KFC this doesn’t make sense in places. I always write this on my phone, autocorrect usually has a field day but my eyes are struggling and quite blurry at the moment too. Really need to get them checked. Have a good week people xx

Such a true statement. I’d read about a charity who holds this workshop. Had a google and booked myself on it. I attended on Monday. Again I wasn’t feeling myself, very dizzy and wobbly so wasn’t too sure I should go. I also had to take myself as needed Rob here to pick up little one. But, I am so glad I did.

I spent a couple of hours with ladies going through the same as me, we were all different ages and at different stages in our treatment. The ladies running the workshop were amazing. We were shown how to put make up on, some ladies had never worn make up before. We came away with a bag full of everything we would need (apparently £300 worth). I would thoroughly recommend anyone going through cancer to attend one. Although I can do make up, I haven’t put much slap on during all this. I came away feeling amazing.

When I got home my little one was laying on the floor, in her uniform, watching telly. I asked if she wanted to go out for dinner, without moving her eyes off the telly ‘no’.

‘I will wear my wig’. With this she jumped up, her eyes beaming and hugged my legs. Ran upstairs and got changed (huge achievement). In the car she didn’t stop stroking my shoulder. Held my hand and wanted to sit next to me. She smiled all evening. I never realised how a little thing would make such a big difference. This really does affect all of us, more than I probably realise.

I started writing this blog initially for those the closest to me to try and understand what this is doing to all of us. Obviously raising any awareness is also fantastic. I was a little surprised that a few, who I probably was writing this for, haven’t read it. I was told if I wa t to know anything I’d ask. It isn’t as simple as that. I don’t talk about everything, it’s hard to completely open up, especially when you know what you’re thinking the automatic answer will be ‘don’t be so silly’.

Someone said they didn’t read it because they don’t like the name. It’s not a case of sod them as these people mean the world to me. I chose the name as ‘jubblies’ can mean boobies, the ‘j’ and to put a little humour on this. I’m not going to apologise if anyone finds it derogatory. This is my cancer and I am coping with it my way. I find writing this really helpful and if only one person gets anything from this then all is good.

My legs are still very achy and I am dizzy but I think I probably was before this started! Each day I am getting stronger, ready in time for my next cycle next week. Knowing it’s only next week actually makes me feel sick. Ok try not to think about that, we still have this week.

Not much to report but thought I should say something, unlike me I know! Off to the dentist then picking number three child up for an appointment this afternoon. Have a good week people xx

I know I used that title last time but it’s still current. My mouth has been the worst and not showing any sign of getting better. It is like I have put my decorations up. I have a big, bushy, garland sore running from my right ear all the way across to my left. It even has bunches of pine cone ulcers gathered along it. My mouth is so swollen and I have a permanent metallic taste. I’ve often imagined what this is like when people have said metallic taste before, boy was I way off!

It feels like I’m constantly sucking a metal bolt. When I have a drink, regardless of what it is, I may as well be drinking mercury. As my throat is so swollen and numb I often gulp a drink too quickly and it can’t all get through. There is like something stuck there. Eating is horrible too. My teeth are numb so I’m pretty much guessing that I’ve chewed enough and seem to be swallowing at the wrong times! Think I need to stick with a liquid diet for the time being but those of you who know me know I haven’t achieved this figure by sticking to a liquid diet!

This time around seems to be taking longer to recover from. I am extremely wobbly, both physically and mentally. Two of my friends from primary school popped in to see me yesterday and it was such a big lift. I wasn’t feeling great and nearly cancelled. I do feel, in some ways, ashamed of the person I’ve become. I am embarrassed of the shell that’s been left. But, I am so glad I didn’t. It was so nice. I was touched that they took time out to visit. Everyone has their own story, their own little battle/life they deal with. Was nice to feel normal for a little while. Definitely lunch next time ladies!

Last night we decided to come to our caravan. Although I’ve been up every day this week it’s been shower, pjs and sofa. The journey here was quite tough but as soon as we walked in I was glad we did. This week has been tough on Rob but being here it’s like a weight has been lifted a bit. He can relax a little too, we are actually speaking and dare I say, giggling!

We tried to go shopping this morning. I want things to be back to normal but I’m a long way from that yet. I had to keep stopping and holding on. My feet were shuffling and I felt so feeble. Stopping to cry, I’m an old lady. Falling asleep while having a cuppa was probably not too good either. The man who worked there came over and said ‘let me clear that table for you sir’. I know I have a patchy head but I am wearing a pink top!

It is the owner’s party at the caravan park tonight. I’m hoping we will make an appearance. We will have to get there early so we can get a seat although I am feeling more like the little bald one in the Lord of the Rings who hides in the cave!

Think that’s the best word to describe these last couple of days. Legs, knees, head, fingers, arms and boobs!

Finally have a lower sugar reading this morning. 32.7 before bed last night, 200% extra insulin taken yesterday and this morning a reading of 14.6. Having not really had them lower than 21 I’m happy with that. The side effects of high sugar levels are not nice. I’ve been so horrible to everyone. I am really trying not to be and the worse thing is knowing I’m doing it but mouth engages and is off before the whistle!

My head is still problematic. A rolling ball of paralysed tightness just spinning around. Very few moments of peace, more a kaleidoscope of pressure, every twist a new angle. What is left of my hair is deceiving. Looking and feeling cute and soft but really they are ninga follicles stabbing me. I could just sit and pull everyone out but they are tiny to grab. I’m thinking of wrapping my hands in cellotape and rolling them over my head to get the little beggars out – or even a roll to remove pet hair, that may work!

Next week is our wedding anniversary but also a very special friend’s leaving do (moving across the pond with an offer too good to turn down – and only an hour from New York) so obviously I’m going to the leaving do but getting Rob to pick me up early so he can feel special too! Not that I need him to pick me up as the thought of having anything alcoholic during this makes me feel ill. Not putting anymore poison inside me for a while. It’s more for my wobbling and I’m a bit needy. I know I’ve gone on but I cannot express what this has taken from me. Even around all these people I love dearly, I need to know Rob is near me. He’s my safety line.

One good thing about being stuck at home is online shopping. I ordered three outfits for next week. Needed to find something that will look ok with a bald head! Only managed to try them on this morning, badly too as I’m still very unstable and my back is numb today but think I’ve found one. Can send the other two back.

My mouth has a permanent metallic taste. It’s been awful with my sugar levels so high I’ve had to be so strict with what I’ve eaten. Where before I’d have a little treat then give myself a little bit more insulin I’ve not been able to have anything nice to take the taste away, I’m hoping I can today.

The hospital phoned yesterday. I’m having my PICC line inserted on 15 November. They said because it’s going into my left arm the success rate isn’t as high (can’t use right arm for anything because of lymph node removal) so I may have to have port cath but hopefully not and they will try.

I had bad sweats last night, really shaky, panicky ones. We always go to sleep with ‘good night, I love you’ but last night I asked Rob again if he thinks I’m going to die? Obviously he always answers no but then asked me if I think I am? Honestly, I’m not sure I will still be here when I’m 50. The good thing about thinking like that occasionally is wanting to make the most of every little thing we have now xx

Although this time I’m not quite sure if it’s Hannibal’s or a gimp mask. My head feels tight and has power surges pulsating all around, close to detonating!

Not feeling it today. My sugar levels still very unstable. I phoned my community diabetic nurse first thing. My lady doesn’t work Mondays and they don’t have my notes so I need to call the hospital team. So message left on their answer machine. Don’t know why they need notes for me to give them my sugar readings and tell them the medication I’m on!

I am so grumpy and snappy today. Wish I wasn’t as it makes everyone else around me the same. A day of one word answers, going to be an enjoyable day.

I want my life back. I miss everything today. Things we take for granted like getting up, dressed, going for walks, holding conversations. Having cancer is very lonely. ‘Mum’s resting’, ‘thought you were asleep’, ‘didn’t want to disturb you’. If I’m going to sleep I put my phone on silent.

Feeling very tearful and apologise if I don’t reply to people today. Don’t take it personally but I’m allowed to wallow sometimes. Hopefully when my sugar levels stabilise everything will look a bit more clearer, just surrounded in fog right now xx

Not a good combination. After drinking 3.5 litres of fluids in less than an hour last night I thought I should check my sugar level. Meter registered ‘HI’. My meter goes up to 33 so my sugar level was over this, even with extra insulin this is where it remained for the following four hours then I fell asleep. At 5am it had gone down to 21.9 and back up to 22.9 by 8!

I have never had my sugars so high before. 26 has been my highest but usually comes down with extra insulin and a long walk – something I am unable to do as my legs are too wobbly. Going to keep a close eye on them today and if get that high again I think a trip to A&E. Just another thing to worry about, I didn’t even have any cake yesterday, only fruit as was so thirsty!

Yesterday was a strange day. Last time round I was ok the first couple of days, from what I remember but my memory is shocking. Yesterday I wasn’t too good. Think last time I was pretty much 100% before I started but this time I still have the poison in my body. My dad and step-mum came to visit which was lovely. It was good for them to actually see for themselves how I’m doing. Well when I say good for them I hope I didn’t worry them more! I had a few moments and struggled to hold a conversation at times, I’m very slow but least I managed to stay upright for a few hours.

Mum phoned me too and offered to come over. Not sure she was expecting ‘how soon can you get here?’ She’s flying in tomorrow until Thursday. As many people you have around you and I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends, as and much as your mum gets on your nerves at times, when you’re feeling this poorly, you just want your mum. I’m hoping with me probably being in bed and the kiddies at school it will be a good week. She can help Rob gloss the hall, stairs and landing – he’ll love that! Haha love you really xx

So peeing every half hour during the night, very high sugar levels and feeling very nauseous has left me very tired and some would say a little grumpy – but not to my face! Peeing so much is doing my head in, it’s not even pee and go. It takes about five minutes then I lean forward and it breaks another pocket of pee, I must be peeing half a litre each go! Too much information?

I am going back to bed. I have left instructions for bedrooms to be tidied and cleaned, PE kits into bags and school bags ready for the morning, including signing of planner – why do they always shove it in your face to sign when your washing up or in the shower?

Hoping for a better day today. Enjoy your Sunday. I’ve spotted a chicken in the fridge so I’m hoping for another scrumptious roast from Rob later, he’s very good at them!

Second chemo yesterday. I had to get there 45 minutes early as I need to have anti-sickness an hour before treatment. Saw the doctor on time. My bloods which were taken the day before, were good to go ahead. She prescribed me more steroids to come home with. I get four to take today and tomorrow, I now have three for Monday and Tuesday and two for Wednesday. Looking forward to the weight gain and bloated round face – my son already calls me egg, that will change to ballI!

I need to check my mouth more often. Well when I saw more often, I need to actually look. As it’s so sore I brush my teeth after every meal and use prescribed mouthwash (which I’ve now have to dilute as it hurts) but chemo can cause oral thrush so I have meds in place just in case.

That bit all done we went through to the treatment area – lovely window view again and no ambulance blocking it! I had been resting my tea again on my arm whilst waiting but that wasn’t enough for my veins to come out so my arm was emerged in a bucket of hot water for a while. That seemed to do the trick and the vein which had come up like a puffer fish last time they tried to use it was behaving. As they have now used my only two veins, I have been referred to have a PICC line inserted before my next chemo. This is a wire that goes in a deeper vein just above my elbow, up my arm, round the top and sits above my heart. There’s a canuela that pokes out the other end which I’ll have to get flushed and dressing changed once a week. This will cause less stress for me (and probably them). I think bloods can be taken from that too. As I had lymph nodes removed I’m no longer allowed to use my right arm for blood tests, blood pressure, canuelas etc.

So canuela in, first a bag of saline then the A I think. This is 122mls of bright red, neat poison separated into three syringes. The nurse has to sit there and very slowly push each one through, at the same time the saline still flows. Each one takes around 10 minutes. Then a little more saline before swapping that for the C. It comes in a black bag covering it as it doesn’t like the light. By this time I am already getting a funny taste in my mouth and tapping my teeth as if I have a coke habit!

We leave the unit about four hours after arrive, me feeling very sleepy. Those fairies were jumping on my eye lids again. I couldn’t really hold a conversation with Rob, much to his relief! I felt like I’d been on the shots all afternoon without the giggles and naughtiness!

Straight home to bed, slept for an hour then woke with a craving for mash potato and gravy. I added Yorkshire puddings to my order and funnily enough, sausages. I don’t usually like sausages!

Poor night sleep, fuzzy head, rosy cheeks, seven trips to pee (nice pink pee) and of course Rob breathing all added to the lack of sleep.

Feel pretty much the same today as during the night but rest assured, I will take it easy. Laying in bed just waiting to hear the sound of the ironing board being put away – the sign that I can go back downstairs. He is the best ❤️️❤️️