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This day has come round too quick. In just over an hour we will leave to go to the hospital. Already I’m feeling dizzy and sick at the pit of my stomach, using all my strength not to get upset in front of the kiddies before I go.

I drank three litres of fluids yesterday to try and get my veins good. Layers on today, will have the heat on in the car and I will rest my cuppa on my arm again when I get there. Let’s hope one pops up that was hiding last time. Maybe I’ll take some paracetamol before I go.

What hair is left on my head has been so painful the last few days. Think my head is a pin cushion as each follicle definitely feels like a pin! Rubbing my head in the shower last night and this morning left my hands looking like a werewolf’s! Will be better when it’s all fallen out, this patchy look isn’t a good one!

My body seems to know what’s coming as I’ve been so tired the last couple of days. I feel physically sick having to do this again. My oncologist has written me up for six cycles but he said research has shown four cycles are just as affective. That means after today I’m halfway through!

My boob has been really painful the last few days too, maybe I should mention it when I get there, if I remember, my memory has been terrible! Legs really tight and so uncomfortable, think it’s where the hairs are going to fall out soon – always a silver-lining.

I hope this time around I will not be so poorly but on the plus side, if I’m in bed again for the next week there will not be as much washing!

Not much to report today, my mind is all over the place. Hope to check in again tomorrow xx

It has been three days since my last confession, ops wrong person! I have had a wonderful few days with some amazing people.

First though I should share the fantastic news I received yesterday. My genetics consultant called to tell me my results were normal! I do not carry the brca mutation. To say I’m relieved is an understatement. This means my children will not definitely get this, they carry the same risk as everyone else, which is still too high but the best I can hope for!

I can’t remember what I’d shared last time, my memory is starting to let me down! I did the food shop all by myself. Took forever, I kept forgetting things and my legs kept wobbling but I managed it. Great achievement.

Saturday evening consisted of a lovely few hours with my friends, tears (not mine surprisingly), laughter, game of Blockbusters and a Chinese (no rice as it says to avoid it during chemo). Just as we were leaving noticed my hair had started falling out.

Sunday. Yes it did deserve a sentence all by itself. Was a day of two halves. I woke up really tearful. Kept crying for no reason at all. I have lots of bald patches on my head. Think I just needed to get used to my new reflection. Reality kicks in when anyone can visually see it. If you didn’t know me you wouldn’t notice the sadness in my eyes but everyone can see my bald patches. Although I am allowing the tears, I gave myself a little talking to, put some make up on and waited for my VIPs to arrive.

Was the perfect afternoon, so many giggles and I even had my nails painted. An afternoon of cheek aching laughs. It’s funny how certain people can come round and insult you and they leave with you adoring them even more. Still smile now at their visit.

Sunday evening Indian to celebrate another friend’s birthday (no rice). The day ended so much better than it started.

Monday another lovely visitor. An extremely busy lady who texts me constantly (no I will never find them annoying), she took time out of her very precious free time to come and see me. Another one I adore. I did need a little lay down yesterday afternoon.

Today is Tuesday, my lovely cousin who I hadn’t seen for nearly four years came to see me. I met her 15 year old twins for the first time. We really are a rubbish family for keeping in touch but when we need it, we are there and we will not leave it so long next time! Beautiful inside and out!

Tonight I am exhausted. Rob is downstairs watching the match with his mum and friend. I just want to go to sleep. I have had four amazing days but now there is a shadow starting to come over. Knowing on Friday I have chemo again fills me with dread. Sick to the stomach. Need to make the most of the next couple of days.

I am still humbled by everyone’s messages of support. Sorry, not a lot to report but thought I should post something and for someone who doesn’t have a lot to say I’ve gone on a bit! xx

Thursday I had a fantastic day. As I drove to the school to pick up number three child for his appointment, it was like a scene off Thelma and Louise.  Well maybe just Louise or Thelma and I have a roof on my car oh and I only opened the window about a cm. Ok the only thing similar was I was a female in a car with a scarf on my head! But, I thoroughly enjoyed my journey, music on and singing.  I haven’t done that for a while.

Picked child up, took to appointment, appointment successful, took back to school then met my lovely sister for lunch. Perfect day.

My arms have been really ‘annoying’ lately.  I can’t really think of a better word to describe them, quite itchy too.  I also have been very uncomfortable in other places, like I’ve been horse riding for about a week constantly if you know what I mean?! Today I discovered why.  I have lots of bald patches on my arms.  I have also noticed that I have been checking the wrong end of the bed for hair loss 😉

Last night at my 4th wee stop I made Rob put the light on.  I could feel a bald patch on my head.  It looks more like I am receding on top.  Maybe not too noticeable to others but I can’t stop stroking it.  My hair feels like pins at the moment, I will be glad when it has actually fallen out.

We all sat and watched Stand up 2 cancer on channel 4 last night.  Not sure if it was a good idea or not.  I’ve read this morning some main cancer forums that people who are going through cancer the moment were not particularly happy with the stories.  Very doom and gloom.  The stories shared were heart wrenching.  Every one that came on about breast cancer my youngest hugged me a little tighter.  I explained to her when people had passed away that the survival rates of breast cancer have come on so much, just in those few years.  Anita’s story cut deep.  Everything she said was what I’ve been saying, we have the same aggressive type, we even look alike! Rob asked from the kitchen if I was on telly!

I do understand why they have to share the stories they did.  If it was full of positive stories, unfortunately people wouldn’t donate as much as they have.  Cancer is real, it attacks everyone and anyone.  It doesn’t care if you’re old or young, healthy or not so healthy, single or married, male or female.  It does kill but survival rates are going up all the time and I think any awareness is good and despite how hard it was to watch – Rob even threatening to turn it over if I didn’t stop crying – I think they did very well and raised an enormous amount of money which can only be a good thing.

I did ask Rob before we went to bed if he thinks I’m going to die.  No. It was the first time I have ever thought it.  This breast cancer will not kill me, this chemotherapy will not kill me either but every now and then I do worry that I will get secondary cancer down the line.  Every time that little thought pops into my mind I bury it, not quite throw it away, I think it will always be there and it’s not being negative.

I have some VIP’s visiting tomorrow so best I flick the duster about.  Have a wonderful half term for all those who have it off and those of you who don’t, I bet you wish you enjoyed it when you had the chance! haha

As I sat outside my youngest daughter’s classroom, quietly minding my own business looking through her books before meeting with the teacher, she stood next to me affectionately stroking my head. Or so I thought. All of a sudden she stood tall and proudly shouted “mummy has 17 sores on her head!” Now I’m not embarrassed at all of my shaved, red, sore head but that moment in time, I think I was a little bit!

It is funny, every night I go to bed I put my hands up to take out my ponytail and realise it isn’t there. All through the night I stroke my head expecting there to be a bald patch. I am now day 13 so it is going to fall out any day. The chemo nurse said it usually starts between day 10 and 14. I may need to shave my legs if it’s much longer!

I am still feeling good. I think I’ve got off lightly compared to others going through chemo. My head hurts all night and I still get up feeling sick every day. I am only peeing now about five times a night. Yesterday I had to go to bed for a little nana nap. I haven’t had to do that since last week. Just listening to my body and going with it.

If it wasn’t for the lack of womb and other things you have to do, I’d think I was pregnant! Feeling nauseous, tiredness,  cravings, peeing, mood swings, hormonal, eating for two!

Yesterday I received my two phone calls. I actually cried when I got the first one. They had been following my progress and seen the amount of support I was getting. Yes it’s been wonderful and I’m not knocking it at all but sometimes there’s only the one person you want. We had such a lovely chat and both agreed not to leave it so long.

I am very excited my beautiful cousin is coming to visit me next week. We are a rubbish family at keeping in touch. Like a lot of families (I hope it’s a lot and we aren’t just horrible) we only see each other at weddings or funerals, at our age, mainly funerals. I haven’t seen her since my nan’s funeral nearly 4 years ago, could be 5 – chemo brain. Thank goodness for Facebook!

Yesterday was a pj day but today my son has an appointment (following on from Monday). Very impressed it’s so quick so it means I have to get dressed and I get to go out. Going to see my big sister after so today is going to be a good day.

Thank you for all your messages the other day. I was fine, just being honest on here. It is helping me writing it all down too. I also had a lovely little visitor who brought the most amazing cupcakes! Seeing you all is enough, you don’t really have to bring cake.

Not much to report which in itself is a good thing. Have a lovely day people, only one more sleep until the weekend and the kiddies break up xx

I have been up, showered and dressed for three consecutive days. A major achievement if I don’t mind saying so myself.

Yesterday morning I even managed the school run with Rob. Number 5 child did want me to wear my wig but my head is still so sore I opted for a nice blue and green headscarf. She held my hand all the way from the car and her grip got tighter as we got closer to her classroom. She went in with a skip and a smile – definitely the little things.

Obviously I had to have a rest at Costa before I could do the shopping. I think I’m fine but my legs are so wobbly. I am sure Rob would have done it but shipping is always nicer in pairs and I needed a few things. I had cried when I brushed my teeth. The toothpaste felt like it was in an enemy spaceship and was firing my mouth so I had to get a toddler toothpaste. Not quite fluffy cotton clouds floating around my mouth but much soother.

Soon as I left the shop the first of 17 texts arrived from number 3 child. Tried ringing the school but they don’t answer, leave messages, no reply so we ended up having to go there.

Long story short, spent day in hospital (well only a few hours but felt like a whole day). Staff were fab and put me in a cubicle so I wasn’t near anyone, especially in the children’s emergency, lots of germs there! Not going to talk anymore about him.

Back home for cuppa and dinner then to the school for a meeting with the head. Haha bless him, he wasn’t expecting me! Hopefully now things will improve and my messages will be less.

Home at 7.30pm and a lovely visit from my beautiful friend from work. Finished an exhausting day perfectly. I am extremely lucky to work with such amazing people and I actually adore every single one of them!

Macmillian were running a thread on the breast cancer forum which I read every now and then (got told by the chemo nurse to ease off the site haha). It was asking people how friendships have changed since being diagnosed with breast cancer. Made me think, well I didn’t have to think much as it’s always on my mind.

I really am touched by how nice people are. I know everyone has their own life, families, work, problems but people take time out to message me. I’ve had texts, Facebook messages, phone calls, flowers, chocolates, cakes, presents, visitors, waves, hugs, sharing my post, liking my posts/pictures the list is endless and none more important than another, I’m comforted by your support. I even had someone in the playground offer to help my daughter if I needed it. I had to ask the next day who they were as I didn’t even know their name! Rob has messages too. There are a lot of good people in this world.

What has really upset me is the people I thought would be there and who aren’t. I spoke to someone, who always should be there, the day after chemo and nothing since. I tried phoning a few times but no answer and no return call. Another one sent me a lovely message last Monday, I phoned instantly as I couldn’t type as not being well at the time, no answer then a message to say, can’t talk right now will call later – that was 8 days ago. Then you see them telling other people, people they have never met, that they will always be there if they need someone to talk to.

This has made me really upset this last week and the few tears that I’ve cried have been because of it but things are changing. My beautiful aunt, despite her fighting her own battle, rings me most days, it is lovely that I have her on speed dial. We were comparing our chemo cravings at the weekend. My big sister rings me at least once a day, love her.

I know it’s so obvious and easy for us to say ‘focus on what we have not what we haven’t’. Such a strong statement but so very true and from this day forward …

Please do not stop being who you are and the comment above about nothing being more important, don’t stop with the cake 😊

 

No this isn’t a blog about football, just the best way to describe yesterday.

Friday night I managed to sleep a whole four hours without a spasm or needing to pee. I woke up with a spring in my step.

I was up, showered and dressed by 9, just too excited for my visitor. Rob went to pick up my bestie from her sister’s, she had flown down from Glasgow just to see me. She obviously wasn’t feeling the excitement as she was still in her pjs when she walked in!

We had such a relaxing day, just chatting about everything and nothing. We sent Rob up to get some cakes from the bakery. Why do men just get what you ask? Cakes there is an s on the end meaning plural, not just one each! Still it was gratefully received.

I managed to stay up all day, every now and then my body would end up horizontal but she didn’t seem to mind and stopped pulling funny faces every time I did it. Another friend popped by too, was nice seeing them busying themselves doing my washing. I restrained myself from re-putting out the washing how I like it hung. Bless her she just doesn’t get to use her washing line much in Glasgow. At least she uses matching pegs!

We’ve definitely moved with the times. Gone were the Argos catalogues, we were comparing stuff online, on our smart phones (think that’s what they are), on eBay, actually quoting codes! Go us!

I had warned her that I look different. Not only do I have a very red and blistered head, I do feel like part of me has died inside. I’m hoping it’s just asleep and will come back when this is all over. Although having the girls round yesterday lit a little something.

Last night was the cricket club’s quiz night. I love quizzes though with my chemo brain I knew it was going to be a non-starter. I haven’t left the house other than to go to the hospital so we popped by just for an hour to show our support. I managed to slap on some make up and put on my nice posh orange headscarf to cover the red blisters. This lasted about ten minutes, I was too hot! I’m hoping most people know I am having chemo and don’t think I’ve just gone all Britney!

Going out was good, was so nice to see our friends. I do love our cricket family, just being in their company is enjoyable, the quiz was a bonus (and I knew a couple of the questions). Maybe we should have stayed only half an hour. My head started pounding and my knees became very wobbly but I am glad we went.

I even caught up with X-factor when I got home and didn’t go to bed until nearly midnight. I actually felt like a ‘normal’ adult for hours yesterday. By 3 am I was wide awake with a throat like razors. I’m on temperature watch, above 37.5 I have to phone the hospital. It’s hard to think you can over do it just by sitting down.

I have come back to bed. Rob is watching the golf and I’m actually starting to enjoy it too, we are having conversations about the players and the course. I need to speak to my oncologist about that, very worrying!

As soon as it’s sleep time my body seems to come alive for all the wrong reasons. Last night I found it impossible to get comfy. Every muscle aches, though I do actually have more than I thought, maybe I am muscly after all. Here was me thinking I was just big boned! I remember saying to Rob at about 3am my muscles need juicing as in squeezing. That sounds very wrong now but felt appropriate at the time.

I am lucky to still have my childhood bestie. A smile across the desk on our first day at secondary school and the rest is history. She moved abroad after marrying a foreigner but I’m hoping she’ll come back to Essex soon. She flies down from Glasgow this weekend to see me.

We have matured together, on the phone every evening, both with an Argos catalogue. We used to compare the jewellery, as we got older it moved to the kitchen accessories and we’ve even done the garden sheds! Last night we discovered something new.

By chance one day I clicked on the ‘i’ at the top of the phone when Rob sent me a message. It showed me his location, complete with a map. I haven’t a clue how this happened. Rob calls it my tracking devise, I call it feeling close to him when he’s not here. When he was in Portugal the other week I followed him around the golf course. Not stalking or tracking, being affectionate and sharing.

Last night we discovered we could share each other’s locations. Whilst walking the dog every 20 minutes or so she’d text me, where am I now? Still makes me giggle now. 44 years old and still as childish as when we were 11!

Today is day 7, my immune system is at its lowest between days 7-10. I had the eye clinic this morning. Not going to dwell on it as now irrelevant but pleased I got the all clear.

I was looking forward to going out, first time I’ve been dressed since chemo. Goodness me it has knocked me for six! I was hoping to pick little one up from school but I’ll just have to be ready for my cuddle when she gets in. Bless her she’s grown up and showing her vulnerability this last week. Every morning she comes in and we have a cuddle before she gets herself ready for school (never had time before as I used to have to rush to get ready for work). She’s stopped hissing when her sister brushes her hair. Brushes her teeth every day and takes herself off to my lovely neighbour to go to school. Comes home every afternoon, puts hand gel on and comes straight up to give me a cuddle – there are some perks to this cancer malarkey!

 

Another night of bubbling tummy, afraid to stretch my legs just in case. Every time I move my legs I feel like I have a toddler clinging to them for dear life. My back has spasms pulsating all over it and soon as you get comfy I need a wee!

After a very scary day yesterday I had some good moments last night. I actually managed to sit up for a bit and hold a conversation. My head was so sore Rob gave me a number one all over. Who’d have thought mere millimetres of hair would cause so much pain. My scalp is very red so think it’s getting close to falling out. Another step to recovery.

Listening to Rob giggle as he was shaving me was not leaving me with much confidence! Was nice to actually do something together, I know this is very hard on him and it’s starting to show. Think we’ve all aged this week.

This morning my sister text to say she was going to pop over. I literally cried. My sister really is my world. She’s everything a big sister should be. Bossy, annoying, always right, always there and she loves me unconditionally. She turned up with a packet of ginger nuts for my sickness!

Was so nice to have a chat, I cried, giggled got frustrated and had a cuddle. She’s the first person I’ve seen apart from Rob and the kiddies. I’ve decided I can have visitors as long as you’re germ free, you let yourself in and you come straight up and sit with me as I’m still better horizontal – armed with ginger nuts will be an added bonus!

Tomorrow I have a hospital appointment at 9 so I’m going to actually have to get dressed. This is probably a good thing as Rob’s not too good on keeping up with the washing and I’ve run out of clean nightshirts!

I am happy I’m feeling a bit better. The saying ‘a shadow of my former self’ is ringing very clear at the moment xx

Was only four weeks ago my oncologist had me repeating this. Was rolling off the tongue with a giggle but now it is even hard to read. I am never the most important person. My children and my husband’s needs will always be greater than mine, that’s just the way it is. I’m finding it very hard not to be able to protect them from all this, it is my role as a mother/wife.

Last night was tough. All night my tummy kept reminding me it was there, brought along watered mouth with it a few times. Luckily I wasn’t sick during the night. Rob left at 4.10am for work, I really wasn’t feeling well.

Kiddies got up and left for school (and stayed there today). By 10.20am I managed to get up and make a drink and have a bit of breakfast. Sugar level was down to 9.8 so that was good. Thought I was doing ok, I even took out two cups out the dishwasher, doing my bit to help but then the pain came.

Somehow I managed to crawl upstairs where I actually collapsed on the toilet, not around it, on it! There I was stuck for half hour. Clinging to the sink, buckets of sweat just pouring off me. I couldn’t stop shaking. I was like a woman possessed trying to get my night shift off. Just being on my skin was burning me. I thought this was it. You read a lot that people are found dead on the toilet, I can understand it now.

I managed to get to my bed where I collapsed (I couldn’t even pull my knickers up with exhaustion)! I needed Rob home. Phoned him, no answer. Luckily our lovely friend was working with him today. Thank goodness for touch phones, I couldn’t even lift the phone and goodness knows what I said but she got him to ring me. Don’t know what I said to him, he thought I was having a stroke!

He is home now and I’m feeling a bit better. My head is very sensitive, every hair follicle feels like a tiny bee sting. I’m hoping I will turn a corner tomorrow but I cannot lie, the thought of going through all this again in a few weeks is petrifying.

Sleep time again for me 💤💤💤

I have an invisible mask across my face under which everything is numb. Ok probably more Phantom of the Opera than Zorro. I keep tapping my teeth to make sure they are still there as they too are numb. I also have an impressive, imaginary meteor shower covering me with every particle that touches me turns me numb. It’s a numb kind of a day!

Head is still pounding, few hiccups but so far no need to follow through!

Rob has gone back to work today and I’m feeling very needy. I really don’t like being in the house alone while so wobbly but number 4 child’s persistence and 17 text messages while walking to school has her back home with a painful back – sorry I don’t have the energy to argue. Even better when she walked in number 5 child’s pack lunch was still on the side – everything happens for a reason.

I now have number 3 child texting as he needs to come home but I can’t make it down the stairs let alone drive 6 mile to pick him up and every single one of my friends are at work, I think he’s bought that!

Think we need to have a little chat with these teenagers. The little one seems to be the only one who is getting this!

Statistics – I read somewhere that a successful blog needs statistics so these are a few I’ve remembered so far.

Out of 100 people only four will be recalled from their mammogram. Out of those four, three of them will be ok. See how special I am?

One in two of us will get cancer in our lives. The figure is so high because we are living longer.

The morality rate for people having chemotherapy is 2-6% that percentage is high because it includes terminal patients and the elderly.

Looking at all the statistics I am very lucky I’ve not had a why me moment. I am very much ok I have breast cancer what’s the plan? Ok I need surgery what’s next? Ok I need chemotherapy followed by radiotherapy what do I need to do to prepare myself?

A softer toothbrush apparently. Brush my teeth after every meal. Coat my nails with Evonail to stop them falling off – £15 for a little bottle and not the best thing I could have spilt all over my jeans! Hygienist beforehand, flu jab, short hair, shaved hair, wig, kiddies to their dad this Christmas… the list goes on

On a positive note, me being one of the statistics, means it’s leaving one of you alone ❤️️

Double positive note today – I’ve lost 7lb since Friday and I’m eating loads so not all bad!

I’d best go reply to the numerous texts from number three child, he obviously doesn’t believe me about not being able to get him!