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Today is by far the worse day yet. My head feels like the right side will explode any moment, by eyebrows keep going into spasm and I have a lovely pink glow – really not a good look!

Duvet on, duvet off, duvet on – my body is being invaded with the hot flushes. A huge wave crashes in the middle and trickles to every end of my body leaving bubbles of hotness before sucking back into the middle and starting again!

I though heat rises but even being horizontal it stays at my head!

Lunchtime yesterday I sat on my bed and thought ‘this is it’. I ran downstairs to find Rob to tell him I think I was going to be sick. Don’t know if I was more shocked that I did what I tell the kiddies off for all the time – don’t tell me just go straight to the toilet! Or Rob was multi-tasking, ironing and watching golf!

No think the worst bit was I was still naked as I wanted him to look at my boob. Think it’s become redder where it used to be bruised. When I had my lump drained on day ten the nurse removed all my dressings. I’d been dreading it but I was so surprised. Luckily my consultant is also trained in plastics.

I have a perfect semi-circle cut around my nipple and only a slight dent. I still have the blue dye – which I now know is dye and have stopped trying to rub off with wet wipes and nail varnish remover as this doesn’t work!

Kiddies came home last night. Ellie asked Rob when he was going to die. She thought that with him sharing my room he would get cancer too. I guess it just shows us no matter how much we share with them, and we’ve told them everything, they still let their little minds run away with them.

Singing off now as really not feeling it today xx

I know what you’re thinking, ‘she only posted yesterday’, but, this is new and like all new things, I’ll get it out regularly until the novelty wears off!

I just want to mention now before I go on any further. As my tumour was oestrogen positive I had to come off my HRT so therefore I am going through the menopause. My menopause brain is currently merging with my chemo brain so please bear with.

Last night a managed to sleep a whole four hours before insomnia kicked in around 3.15am. In those four hours I only needed to pee six times so this morning I’m as fresh as a daisy! Well maybe not.

I am feeling really well still. Pretty much like a hangover. Still not 100% my head is achy and stomach still trying to figure out what I’ve given it – the chemo not Rob’s cooking. I’m not going to take this as a sense of security, just each moment at a time.

Had a little wobble in the shower this morning, have made mental note to next time take a friend!

I need to work on this sleep. I still can’t lay for long on my right side. My arm and breast are still a bit sensitive from the surgery. Breast is starting to give me sharp shocks of pain every now and then and I instantly think ‘is it back already?’ I know really it’s not so I do have conversations with myself.

So I turn into my left side and there he is. I’m lucky he doesn’t snore but why do they have to breathe? It’s really annoying at times. I do wake him to stop but he just takes it that I’m asking him to roll over, which he does. There you go, no breathing in my face, no pain, just get comfy – then I need to pee!!

Today is my big sister’s birthday. She has been my other rock. Always has, always will. I sent hubby to get her a card yesterday, he came back with a nice bit of ham, no card.

I asked him to put the uniform wash on. He did a dark wash and a light wash so that was really good. I walked into their rooms last night and there were said uniforms on the floor in the position which they fell off children’s bodies! Obviously he didn’t notice uniform wash lacked ‘uniform’. Can’t complain, at least he is helping. He has gone up town to get birthday card and I’ve put washing on.

Last Wednesday I went for my wig fitting. We had to go to Southend, hubby and sister came with me. It was the most exciting day I’d had in ages. I tried on so many wigs, different lengths and colours and came away with a chestnut bob with highlights. It looks really nice and natural. I took it out the box, put it on the stand and that’s where it’s stayed.

Once we were home my sister (who is a hairdresser) gave me a number two all over. I actually love it and can’t stop stroking myself. Although I was horrified I woke up with bed hair! Who’d have thought!

I’m purposefully not wearing my wig yet. I don’t want to become reliant on it straight away. I also want the children to get used to me with very little hair. I’ve got just over a week before it will start falling out. At least, well I’m hoping, it won’t be so drastic for us all.

At the wig shop I tried on a few different styles of headscarves too. I’m so glad I did before I went and bought some. I know the styles I like now and they aren’t the ones I thought. The cute hat type ones made me feel like I was wearing a swimming hat!

I can hear hubby’s car so best I sign out and pretend I’ve had a sleep. Thank you for all your positive messages yesterday. Any feedback is good xx

 

First chemo yesterday. Think it went well. Was my first so like the first time you do anything you have nothing to compare it with.

Was my usual happy positive self all day. We arrived at the unit as instructed at 1.30pm, you seem to relax when you get there. Everyone is very chilled. We made a cuppa, I was balancing my cup on my arm between each sips to bring up those veins – later found out was pointless as I don’t have any! We saw the dr at 2.30pm then taken through to choose which chair I wanted to sit. Got a nice window view, until an ambulance parked blocking it – very inconsiderate!

Was starting to panic a bit, I needed my anti sickness an hour before and hadn’t had it yet. I need not have worried. After I took them it then took half hour to find a suitable vein, then whilst being flushed with saline I was told they couldn’t find my ECG and as this chemo could effect my heart they need a baseline. Off I trott to the cardio centre to get that done.

More flushing, three large syringes of A or C had to be physically pushed into the canulea, then flushed, then the bag of A or C, more flushing, take home meds then finally left the unit four hours after arriving. Guessing that went well?

On the way home I felt like I had a little fairy pushing my eyelids closed. So straight in and was in bed by 6pm! Hubby was very pleased, he loves his sleep.

I’m feeling ok today. Very tired as had to pee every half hour but it was pink so pretty pee! Bit nauseous and head fuzzy. I’m definitely not 100% but things could be worse.

Sugar levels are high but with the amount of steroids I’ve had pumped in it’s not a surprise, just something else to keep monitored.

All is good in the grand scheme of things. Hubby popped out to watch a bit of the local football, kiddies with their dad. Think I should make the most of the peace and quiet and have a nanna nap!

 

A bit of background about myself.  I am 44 years old, married to the love of my life (well love of my life from 2009).  I gave birth to five girls currently 25, 23, 14, 13 and 9 although my 14 year old is transgender but that’s another story for another time.  They all have (at this moment in time) female bodies.

On Thursday 14th July 2016 I telephoned my local breast unit.  I didn’t have any lumps nor visual differences but something was telling me I needed to have a mammogram.  I’d seen the genetics people four years ago when my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and as mum had breast cancer at 51 it was recommended I had annual mammograms.  This never happened so I rang the unit.  I read them my letter from genetics dated three years ago and asked if they would help me or if I needed to go through my gp.  She said she would read my notes and let me know.

I got an appointment through for my mammogram for Wednesday 20th July 2016.  On Tuesday 2nd August I received an appointment recalling me to the unit on Monday 8th August 2016.  On the way to the hospital I told hubby I bet it’s my right breast.  I was right. I was given a scan, biopsy and another mammogram.  After the mammogram I was taken to the little room where my husband was waiting with the breast care nurse (BCN).  When everyone is so smiley you know it’s bad news.

The doctor told me that they were ‘very concerned’ about the 10mm lump and it was ‘suspicious’ of breast cancer.  They would send off the biopsy and I was to come back the following Monday 15th August and to stop my HRT which I’d be put on the previous year when I had my ovaries removed during my hysterectomy.

There were a few tears, well more water in the eyes from both myself and hubby.  On the way home I called my older daughters and let my sisters know.  The minute I walked into the house I called all the little ones down (teenagers never venture out of their rooms unless it’s to get food which they then take back to their rooms).  I told them everything we were told.  Whatever will be will be and we will deal with it. No need to panic about something we know little about.  That afternoon we went on our planned trip to Norfolk with our lovely friends.  Think this trip helped me with the wait.

Monday 15th came, again I was feeling very positive. I’d googled lumpectomy images beforehand – do not do this. Even mum’s lumpectomies left her looking like she’d had a third of her breast removed and later needed surgery. I’d told myself I’d prefer a mastectomy than be left looking like that.

My consultant came into the room where we were waiting.  She was full of life, bubbly. She had a awe about her which made us instantly relaxed. She explained to us that the biopsy confirmed that I did have grade 2 breast cancer.  Oestrogen  positive, her2 negative. My planned treatment would be a lumpectomy within the next 31 days, followed by hopefully just radiotherapy.  They would have a meeting on the Tuesday to discuss and call me with a date but in the meantime ring to arrange my post op assessment. Any questions? My husband had one “Can I still go on my golf tour at the end of September?”!!

Again on the way home I phoned important people, including my boss.  I was still feeling fully positive.  I have breast cancer but luckily they caught it early and it is treatable.  Maybe I should consider changing my job as a teaching assistant and run off with the circus and do palm readings!

That afternoon I messaged my work colleagues in a group message.  I didn’t want them to hear from anyone else. I then put a post on facebook.  This wasn’t a sympathy post.  I was telling every one of my friends what has happened and more importantly how it happened.  I wanted to raise awareness, tell people to go with your intuition, know your own body! I was completely blown away by people’s responses. I am very lucky to have such wonderful friends – obviously a reflection on my character haha!  People seem to be so nice when you have cancer. I’m not knocking it but why can’t people be nice all the time?

At 8.30am I was straight on the phone, post op booked for next available date – Wednesday 31st August. Then I get the call.  Surgery booked for next Thursday 25th August, post op rearranged for tomorrow at 8.30am!  When they said within 31 days I was expecting in 30 days!

Everything was happening so quickly. I’ve not been particularly lucky with my health, I’m insulin dependent, chrons disease (which is thankfully now in remission), amongst other things and I’m used to waiting!

I emailed my genetic consultant explaining what was happening and that the hospital said I would be re-referred. I was more worried about all my girls and I wanted the BRCA mutation test. This will see if I carry the gene which can cause breast and/or ovarian cancer. She mailed me straight back, saying she’d take this email as a self referral and yes we will do the test and I could see her in London asap or at my localish hospital on 12 September.  Wow, I love the NHS!

Thursday 25 August 2016 was a date already in my diary.  I had re-sit my GCSE’s in June and that was results day.  Was supposed to be meeting my fellow students, getting our results and going for lunch to celebrate or commiserate.  Instead I was nil by mouth and about to have surgery on my breast!

I went into theatre at 12pm, back on the ward by 2.30pm and home by 5pm! I was not staying there a minute longer than I needed. First surgery I’d ever had where  I wasn’t sick. So all in all a success!

I was doing really well until day 7 then I felt like I’d been hit smack in the face. The tiredness was overwhelming. I’d also grown a tennis ball bulge of fluid under my armpit. Over the next couple of weeks this had to be drained three times. Soon as I started walking with attitude with my arm on my hip I knew it needed another drain!

Monday 12th September was a busy day. At 9.30am I saw my genetic consultant, we had a chat and after I went for the blood test. I now have to wait 6-8 weeks for the results. at 3.30pm I was at another hospital to get my histology from the lumpectomy.

I had clear margins which was fantastic. My tumour was invasive (which I think they all are), it was actually a grade 3 not 2 as previously thought and was now 13mm. My lymph nodes were clear which was also fantastic but my blood vessels are positive. They recommend chemotherapy before radiotherapy. Bang there was another blow I wasn’t expecting although I am starting to expect the unexpected then there are no more wacks! I was told to book in with the next available oncologist. When the receptionist said Wednesday I thought she meant the following week but she meant 48 hours.

So Wednesday came. A nice early 9am appointment. No waiting around worrying – not that I’ve had that bit yet. Lovely man, recommended 4 cycles of AC chemo. He said research has found that 4 cycles could just be as effective as 6. Each cycle lasts 3 weeks. After I’ve let my body recover from this I will start radiotherapy and I then need to give time for my body to recover from that. All I could do in my head is work out when I could return to school. The chemo nurses will be in touch within the week to give me some dates.

I was told I will lose my hair. I wanted my long hair cut short asap. I needed both myself and my children to get used to me with short hair so my lovely friend took me to get it cut the next day.  For me this was a step towards my recovery. I also booked in to see the hygienist at the dentist, had my B12 injection and my flu jab.

The nurses phoned that Friday. I was to have my pre-assessment on 30th September (when hubby was on the said golf tour) and start my chemo on Friday 7th October, when hubby was home.

Think I’ve gone on a bit too much for first post. Maybe I should do some homework on blog sizes! Promise I won’t write so much next time but had to give you background info or the rest would just be pointless!