I am the most important person

Was only four weeks ago my oncologist had me repeating this. Was rolling off the tongue with a giggle but now it is even hard to read. I am never the most important person. My children and my husband’s needs will always be greater than mine, that’s just the way it is. I’m finding it very hard not to be able to protect them from all this, it is my role as a mother/wife.

Last night was tough. All night my tummy kept reminding me it was there, brought along watered mouth with it a few times. Luckily I wasn’t sick during the night. Rob left at 4.10am for work, I really wasn’t feeling well.

Kiddies got up and left for school (and stayed there today). By 10.20am I managed to get up and make a drink and have a bit of breakfast. Sugar level was down to 9.8 so that was good. Thought I was doing ok, I even took out two cups out the dishwasher, doing my bit to help but then the pain came.

Somehow I managed to crawl upstairs where I actually collapsed on the toilet, not around it, on it! There I was stuck for half hour. Clinging to the sink, buckets of sweat just pouring off me. I couldn’t stop shaking. I was like a woman possessed trying to get my night shift off. Just being on my skin was burning me. I thought this was it. You read a lot that people are found dead on the toilet, I can understand it now.

I managed to get to my bed where I collapsed (I couldn’t even pull my knickers up with exhaustion)! I needed Rob home. Phoned him, no answer. Luckily our lovely friend was working with him today. Thank goodness for touch phones, I couldn’t even lift the phone and goodness knows what I said but she got him to ring me. Don’t know what I said to him, he thought I was having a stroke!

He is home now and I’m feeling a bit better. My head is very sensitive, every hair follicle feels like a tiny bee sting. I’m hoping I will turn a corner tomorrow but I cannot lie, the thought of going through all this again in a few weeks is petrifying.

Sleep time again for me 💤💤💤