Wobbly

Think that’s the best word to describe these last couple of days. Legs, knees, head, fingers, arms and boobs!

Finally have a lower sugar reading this morning. 32.7 before bed last night, 200% extra insulin taken yesterday and this morning a reading of 14.6. Having not really had them lower than 21 I’m happy with that. The side effects of high sugar levels are not nice. I’ve been so horrible to everyone. I am really trying not to be and the worse thing is knowing I’m doing it but mouth engages and is off before the whistle!

My head is still problematic. A rolling ball of paralysed tightness just spinning around. Very few moments of peace, more a kaleidoscope of pressure, every twist a new angle. What is left of my hair is deceiving. Looking and feeling cute and soft but really they are ninga follicles stabbing me. I could just sit and pull everyone out but they are tiny to grab. I’m thinking of wrapping my hands in cellotape and rolling them over my head to get the little beggars out – or even a roll to remove pet hair, that may work!

Next week is our wedding anniversary but also a very special friend’s leaving do (moving across the pond with an offer too good to turn down – and only an hour from New York) so obviously I’m going to the leaving do but getting Rob to pick me up early so he can feel special too! Not that I need him to pick me up as the thought of having anything alcoholic during this makes me feel ill. Not putting anymore poison inside me for a while. It’s more for my wobbling and I’m a bit needy. I know I’ve gone on but I cannot express what this has taken from me. Even around all these people I love dearly, I need to know Rob is near me. He’s my safety line.

One good thing about being stuck at home is online shopping. I ordered three outfits for next week. Needed to find something that will look ok with a bald head! Only managed to try them on this morning, badly too as I’m still very unstable and my back is numb today but think I’ve found one. Can send the other two back.

My mouth has a permanent metallic taste. It’s been awful with my sugar levels so high I’ve had to be so strict with what I’ve eaten. Where before I’d have a little treat then give myself a little bit more insulin I’ve not been able to have anything nice to take the taste away, I’m hoping I can today.

The hospital phoned yesterday. I’m having my PICC line inserted on 15 November. They said because it’s going into my left arm the success rate isn’t as high (can’t use right arm for anything because of lymph node removal) so I may have to have port cath but hopefully not and they will try.

I had bad sweats last night, really shaky, panicky ones. We always go to sleep with ‘good night, I love you’ but last night I asked Rob again if he thinks I’m going to die? Obviously he always answers no but then asked me if I think I am? Honestly, I’m not sure I will still be here when I’m 50. The good thing about thinking like that occasionally is wanting to make the most of every little thing we have now xx