Rubbish

Think that’s the best word to describe this week. I’m still in so much pain with my leg. I rang the chemo unit Tuesday morning who didn’t think they could link it to the chemo – bit odd as after talking to a few people it’s really common. I went to the dr who thought I’ve a trapped nerve. She gave me some painkillers.

Thursday I was in absolute agony so back to dr. Sent me straight to hospital with suspected DVT. Short version, blood marker raised for clot, back Friday for scan. No clot thankfully. Nerve problems and been given meds which will hopefully work in 3 weeks!

Today is Saturday and I’m bed-bound. The pain is excruciating and I’m very tearful. Soon as I move it feels like I’m being stabbed in my calf and my hip goes. Walking is very difficult and I seem to end up stationary and making noises I’ve not heard before. This really is hard.

If it wasn’t for my leg I don’t think this cycle was as bad apart from being very tired but then I’m not sleeping. Thursday night I got up up 1am. It took me half an hour to get downstairs, just sat sobbing trying not to wake anyone – I managed to do that at 3am!

My head is a bit temperamental at the moment too. I’m nearly completely bald but the few hairs I have are painful. Also have little people playing space invaders inside.

This is really putting a strain on everything. Rob is fantastic but I am horrible. Side effects of chemo, menopause and high sugars – mood swings. He doesn’t stand a chance. I’m trying so hard but then I get possessed. Haven’t a clue where it comes from, I even look round to see who said it!

I know we will be ok but it is so hard. I keep saying it, Rob and the children need more support than me but not all getting it. I feel useless that I can’t protect the ones I love from all this. Rob looks tired, I’ve aged 40 years, kiddies getting more stroppy, the strain is really showing. No one should have to go through this.

Kiddies getting excited about Christmas. I’ve done some online shopping which I usually prefer but missing the Christmas atmosphere. I only want a few little bits, think it’s more that it’s been taken out of my control. Horrible not being able to physically do anything.

I always put my tree up the first weekend of December. If my legs aren’t working by next weekend I might just write to John Lewis and see if they can spare their window dresser to do mine!

What do you give someone with limited mobility and in excruciating pain? An upset tummy! 😢😢 I’ve been lucky to get this far without it I guess, think of the weight loss!

Apologies for being miserable. Even with the Christmas songs on I’m quite tearful today. My next posting will be more positive I’m sure