Amazing

That is the appropriate word to describe you people. My friends are just amazing. It is hard to watch someone you care about go through this and seeing them in constant pain but your courage you all show around me is commendable. You don’t let me see your tears (well most of you), you stay strong when I know you are hurting to and I wanted to acknowledge and tell you that you mean so much.

Every little ‘like’, text, card, message, flowers, gifts, cake, videos (don’t stop sending them, you know who you are), photos etc the list goes on, they mean so much to me. My friends at work are incredible. Their timing always seems to be impeccable.

The other day number three child had an appointment. I was all excited I was going into town. I thought we could go a bit earlier and I could have a look round some shops, feel the Christmas atmosphere that I’ve been craving. My leg wasn’t working so Rob had to push me in the wheelchair. He may have all these licenses and can drive a HGV etc but wheelchair driver, he shouldn’t add that to his CV just yet. He pushes me in and just leaves me in the middle of the aisle. Not even touching distance to any shelves then proceeds to point out things that are behind me!

We left that shop pretty quick, empty handed. I really wanted some selection boxes, could I find any? No. A few shops later I’d given up and after child’s appointment went home deflated, exhausted and with empty shopping bags. Anyone who knows me knows this is unheard of!

We get home and sitting in the post box was a little package. A card from work with little messages of support, congratulating me on finishing my last chemo and a little bag of happiness which consisted of tiny gifts – a marble for when I lose mine, a plaster to heal when I’m hurt, a love heart so I know someone loves me and so much more. They are the most thoughtful people ever and I am humbled to have them as my friends.

I have struggled this week. My leg is causing me severe pain. I am very miserable although I’m trying not to be. I find it hard seeing everyone’s pictures on Facebook during ‘the most wonderful time of the year’. I also love seeing them and would never begrudge anyone enjoying themselves. I also know after the picture of the smiley happy people at Winter Wonderland, we don’t see the children crying as they are cold. We don’t see the food being sent back as it was rubbish, the sickness from drinking too much, the hangovers etc. I know it’s hard for everyone. I was sad I’d miss my works do, I’m usually the life and soul of the party, this is my time of year!

Friday I popped into see my class with some sweets (shh don’t tell anyone). I’d had a really bad night Thursday, my leg was agony and I hardly slept. As it was Christmas jumper day and the kiddies Christmas dinner I’d decided to wear my Christmas Ruldolph dress. I shuffled into school (my new walk), all the staff were wearing their dresses! The look on the kiddies’ faces I was so pleased I’d made the effort too.

I was only there 20 minutes and I felt done in. Just as we left we were asked if we wanted to go along that evening. Even if we just had dinner and left. Have I mentioned before how wonderful the people are I work with? I was in pain but thought I could stay at home in pain or I could go out and sit with some lovely people in pain. No brainier.

I got dressed up and put some make up on. It was like a little weight had been lifted. I didn’t drink and would have been impossible to dance but just being in their company was enough. We only stayed two hours but it was worth every minute!

I have actually been in agony ever since but I may have been like this anyway even if I didn’t go. My leg is bad but it’s also my vein where the last lot of chemo went in. There’s a bruise where they attempted to go in and another one where they went in, which is normal but it’s further up that hurts so much. I have an appointment to see my oncologist tomorrow so I will mention it then. Hopefully I will find out the plan re radiotherapy tomorrow too.

Although I’m not sleeping and feel I’m wide awake the majority of the night I seem to wake myself up snoring! So nan I apologise and I now understand completely when you said you were watching the telly and snorting – to be fair you did know everything that happened.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but my vocabulary has got increasingly worse over the passed few weeks. I am really muddling up my sentences and I think I talk as if I’m drunk. I do feel like I am permanently drunk without the giggles and silliness, maybe it’s permanently hungover. Still I think I’ve got away lightly compared to some.

I keep asking Rob for a chain saw to cut off my leg. Although the pain is in my hip too so would probably need a jigsaw to get it all and I would end up with wonky buttocks!

I keep saying I want things to go back to as they were. There will never again be life before cancer as I’ve now had it but, I will have a life after cancer. I’m not going to let this rule me anymore – well that’s my feeling tonight, I’ll probably have a few little meltdowns and say the opposite but I know it’s in there somewhere!