Jumping for Joy

That is what I feel everyone thinks I should be doing and it’s not the lack of mobility which is stopping me!

I had my MRI on my hip, on the day it was booked just a little later in the day (up yours hackers). A few days later I received another appointment for an MRI on my pelvis. I hadn’t received my results by then so was a bit anxious as to why. I called the hospital and no one could tell me why. Obviously I’m panicking thinking they’ve found something horrible and need further investigation.

My appointment with the pain clinic couldn’t come quick enough. Yes they had found something but I am very relieved to say it isn’t the cancer. I have a torn muscle. I need the pelvic MRI as they couldn’t seen the whole muscle and need to know if it’s a complete or partial tear. Once this is done I will be referred to the surgeons. He also mentioned nerve damage but I’d sort of switched off by then at the thought of more surgery! He also said I’m on the right medication, just need to slowly double the dose.

So why am I not jumping for joy? It’s very hard when, even though the news was fantastic, it didn’t take away my pain. I still can’t put my knickers on. I am still sobbing every night as it hurts too much.

We have had half term this week. I’ve not been able to take the children anywhere. Yes I can now get about as I have a car, but I can’t physically do things. I’m not able to walk very far, sitting down on the floor is impossible, swimming a nightmare etc.

Then there’s the financial side. We never lived beyond our means (although some may disagree), but all our outgoing etc were based on two salaries. I’m desperate to get back to work. Not just financially but emotionally too. Unfortunately not possible as I can’t stand for too long.

I had to phone the breast care nurses this week. I’ve had twinges etc for a while but now it feels like I have a needle pushing my breast. Not any old needle, a thick, red hot knitting needle. After my surgery I developed a seroma under my arm. This is a fluid-filled sac that I needed to get drained. It looked like I had an orange under my arm. Well it feels like I have that back. It doesn’t look like I do or feel like there’s one there if you touch it. But my brain is telling me something is there. I have to phone back next week if it continues, which it is.

I also feel I can’t rejoice until I’ve had my first mammogram. Yes I’ve had surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy but no one has checked it since last August. I had clear margins after surgery and the amount of chemicals I’ve had will have killed everything – they nearly killed me! But until I have that first clear mammograms I’m still holding back.

My confidence has been knocked completely. I think I was so positive and upbeat in the beginning but now I seem to have taken a U-turn. My hair has grown so much but it looks awful. Not quite a whole curl, just a very fluffy wave. A good look if I was 30 years older! The medication, lack of movement and being unable to stand and cook, have all contributed towards weight gain. So I pretty much hate everything about the way I look and struggle going out. I’m not too bad going to friends’ houses but going out in public with people around I don’t know, makes me very uncomfortable.

The Tamoxifen isn’t my friend. This is the drug I’m on as it blocks estrogen. Even though I’ve had a hysterectomy, your body still produces it and my tumour was estrogen positive. Achy muscles, my lovely garland of ulcers have returned in my mouth but the best bit is permanent thrush. I get the odd week free when the meds kick in but it is no longer funny. I’m seriously considering stoping taking it and it will be the first thing I mention at my next appointment.

Rob is working constantly which means he’s not about much to help. It’s more emotionally I need him but until a game of cricket or golf is involved, he’s working! I can’t really moan, this has put a toll on everyone. We are awaiting an appointment for a scan for him too. After going through this, as soon as you find a lump anywhere it’s only natural to think it’s cancer. So people if we haven’t messaged you lately, don’t take it personally. We have a lot going on right now. I tell Rob pretty much every day, I am not depressed but, if I never woke up I’d be so happy as I’d no longer be in pain.

I am not leaving this on that note, I’ll leave on a positive. I am very excited to receive my new walking aid I’ve ordered. It has a seat so I can stop when I need to and the best bit – it’s a limited edition breast cancer pink!