Two Years On…

It was two years ago today the results of my biopsy came back: invasive ductal carcinoma, oestrogen positive and grade 2 (later to be upgraded to a grade 3 and positive blood vessels).  Hopefully just a lumpectomy and radiotherapy.  Obviously I don’t need to remind you, as you’ve all read my blog (haha), that I did indeed need chemotherapy too.

So where am I at now?  A lot can happen in two years. I think I’m now considered as having ‘no active cancer’, I’m not classed as being in remission until I’ve had 5 clear mammograms.  These are done annually – I really wish they were 6 monthly.  I also have access to the Open Clinic, if I have any concerns, changes etc I can just phone and speak to my person.

What I wasn’t told was the paranoia I may have.  It’s like when you are pregnant or just had a baby, everyone wants to tell you their story, their awful birth, how their baby was an angel etc, it’s the same with breast cancer.  Everyone knows someone who has had it and wants to share their story, regardless of the ending.  I don’t know if people think they are being helpful telling you their relation died from it or whether they are just reliving the event?  I have found that the majority – not everyone – of people I have spoken to, who were classed as having breast cancer at a young age, have had it return.

I am now, kind of obsessed, thinking it will come back.  Maybe not straight away, but it will.  No one can tell me it definitely won’t.  Nights are the worse.  That elation when you’ve taken your bra off for the day is now overshadowed by that being the green light for me to check for lumps.  I’m checking as soon as that bra is off, as soon as I’m in bed: arm up, arm down, if I go to the toilet in the night, in the shower; any available opportunity whilst braless.  It makes it worse that, as you may remember, I never had a lump.  Even when the consultants knew where the tumour was, they still couldn’t feel it.  My boob is lumpy now from where they took a part away but at least I now know which lumps are my ‘normal’.

My breast is so painful, really really painful; like I need a plaster to make the pain go away – I wished that worked in adult life!  I am still numb under my arm from surgery, I doubt that will come back now after so long.  Funny, being numb doesn’t stop the pain from getting through!  My breast is a lot smaller too, I was never warned of that.  I had to go to the breast unit earlier this year because of pain, shape and I have indentation.  Apparently, all of the above can be a side effect from radiotherapy.  I’m still learning things and I’m not quite the expert on my own cancer yet!  I say ‘on my own’ because we are all different.  Even if the tumours are identical in definition, mine had my DNA too.

Chemo brain it is a thing and it seems to be still with me all these months after finishing.  I’m not as bad as I was during treatment but I still don’t feel 100% with brain activity.  Maybe I never was at 100%!  I’m reading again and go to monthly quizzes to help improve this – how to train your brain and all that!

Friends, now that’s a word I will use loosely!  People who were really good friends before I was diagnosed have faded.  It has brought some people even closer to me and good, forever friendships have formed.  There are some who were brilliant during treatment, have disappeared now and then I have my old muckers who will always be my friends whether they want to or not!  I know some people have struggled with this, it is not something that just affects the patient.

There are days I seem to walk around like the Pink Panther with an enormous cloud over my head.  I struggle going out socially still.  I hate the way I look, I don’t feel comfortable.  Chemo has exacerbated an underlying condition in my back/hip.  The shock of the cancer has left me with fibromyalgia so I am in a lot of pain.  My medication and lack of cooking has gifted me with lots of extra pounds.  Simple tasks seem to be a huge chore at times yet, in my eyes, no one elses life around me has changed.  I’m sure it has but not really that obvious.  Rob still plays his sport at every given opportunity, still wants to go out socially (and does), doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t want to.  Hopefully it’s a Shallow Hal situation, he doesn’t see what I see when I look in the mirror.  I am still a mother, the children have to be run around here, there and everywhere!  Although my son did accuse me of being a cat recently; sleeping all the time! Like a lot of people think, as soon as treatment has finished, that’s the end of it.  Life back to life before cancer but there will never be that life again because we have had cancer.

This isn’t going to all be a miserable doom and gloom blog.  There are lots of positives, although I always promised to remain truthful on here.  I’m still here seems to be the main one.  I know I’ve come on so much and some people don’t get given that chance.  I survived a whole school year at work, not having to take time off because of this (only shingles and an admission to hospital with suspected heart attack).  My work friends (I did type colleagues but then changed it), have been amazing from day one and still continue to be.  They laugh and cry with me.  Banter all the way haha!

Night sweats and hot flushes seem to have eased, only sweating the same as every other lady over 40 has done during our heat wave!  Last week my friend took me to get measured properly for a bra, in a shop that only sells bras!  I did have a little cry getting my boobs out – just shows how much this has affected me, I’ve never had a problem in the past!

I’m still taking each day at a time.  It’s ok not to be ok every day.  I’ve gone through a lot and I’m here to tell the tale, just sometimes, I’m reminded it wasn’t just a piece of my boob that was taken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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